


Scars of the Heart

by wildcat_88



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blow Jobs, Brooding, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Older Man/Younger Woman, Past Rape/Non-con, Retired Cop Kylo, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey is a survivor, Size Kink, Slow Burn Rey/Kylo Ren, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-07 01:31:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15207872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildcat_88/pseuds/wildcat_88
Summary: After surviving an abusive relationship, Rey decides to move away from the city to the countryside with the help of her friends Poe and Finn.There she begins to fix up the house that is almost as broken as her, but she never expected that her neighbor would be a brute of a man that had the ability to make her weak in the knees.A story of two lost souls and the process of healing from the past.





	1. Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say thank you to all my readers for being such beautiful human beings that have given me the confidence to keep writing! Thank you so muchhhh <3  
> I hope you all enjoy this tale of two neighbors that have no idea what to do with each other!  
> Much love <3  
> Find me on tumblr!!  
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)

Rey

I shift uncomfortably on the cushioned chair beneath me, twiddling my thumbs as the Amazonian woman sits across from me, smoothing out her skirt as she does so. She pushes a fallen pale strand behind her ear and rewards me with a mega-watt smile.

"Rey, it's so good to see you, I know it's been a while, but I hope that Dr. Harrington was able to accommodate you for the time I was on vacation."

"He was subpar compared to you," I mumble. I had never been that great at beating around the bush. It was my mouth that usually got me into a world of trouble with others and reasons why I didn't have a large friend base these days.

That wasn't the only reason, the other was that I had been in an abusive marriage for the past seven years and about a year ago I was beaten to the point that when I was found they were sure I was dead. Somehow I survived and my husband was thrown in prison for the next twenty-odd years. Well, ex-husband now.

Due to the traumatic experience, I began to self-harm, drank too much, and even went so far as to try to commit suicide. My attempt failed and that's how I wound up in therapy with Dr. Skye.

She has helped me to overcome being an alcoholic, I no longer hurt myself, and these days I don't even have thoughts of offing myself anymore. So, all in all, I've come a long way in the past six months of seeing her, but this past month she was gone on vacation and the doctor they placed me with was just not someone who could see eye-to-eye with me.

Dr. Skye tilts her head to the side, resting her pen against her bottom lip, "I'm sorry to hear that Rey, but I heard the good news that you have plans to move to a quieter neighborhood away from the city. Is that true?"

I nodded, having a strong desire to itch at the scars on my wrist, "It's practically the countryside. After my papa died he left me with a large sum of money, but I didn't know what to do with it at the time. Recently I stumbled upon a flyer that showed a beautiful house is up for auction and I ended up being the top buyer so I will be moving in this week. It's sort of a fixer-upper, but I figured that would keep me busy."

"That's wonderful Rey. You're a mechanic correct?"

My eyes shifted to meet her warm blues for the first time since we sat down, "Yes, my dad was a mechanic and taught me everything I know."

She smiled kindly at me, "I was very sorry to hear about his passing, it's never easy to lose a loved one, but you've been strong Rey and you are without a doubt a survivor. I'm very excited to see what life has in store for you."

"For the first time in a long time, so am I," I replied and a small smile formed on my face.

An hour later I left the office and pulled out my pack of cigarettes with shaky hands. Lighting one and inhaling like my life depended on that sweet nicotine to keep me afloat.

It's not like I truly wanted to smoke cigarettes, but after quitting drinking, I needed something to keep me sane and that's where the cancer sticks came into play.

I moseyed over to my rundown civic, finishing off my cigarette before I stepped into the contraption. I had exhausted myself working on this car and though it ran smoothly at the moment, I knew that eventually it would be a lost cause and I'd have to find something more efficient to get around in.

The beast roared to life and I ventured back to my shitty apartment. I remember when the sound of the city used to make me smile, nowadays it made me sick to my stomach. The only reason why I had loved the city so much was that it was where I met Hux during my first year of college.

 Everything was like a fairytale for the first year until he started to get angry to the point he would punch holes in the wall and throw things at me. I should have run right then, but he would always whisper sorry over and over again holding me close to him. He promised that he would never hurt me and he didn't until we were married a year later.

The pain of feeling his knuckles connect with my jaw for the first time was excruciating. Explaining to my co-workers the next day why my jaw was the size of a watermelon was the icing on the cake. After that day there was no limit to what Hux would do to me, he raped me countless times, bruised my body at every turn, and though the physical abuse was heartbreaking in itself-the verbal abuse was a thousand times worse.

My dad had beat the living shit out of Hux and was condemned to prison for a year over the ordeal. He died a year after getting out and I didn't know it was possible for my heart to shatter into a million pieces. The entire experience of losing my dad was traumatic in itself, but after he was gone Hux had no mercy whatsoever on me. I wasn’t even allowed to mourn the loss of my father.

Eventually, he beat the living shit out of me and that is how I wound up in a hospital with multiples fractures and in a coma for two weeks. The court trials were agonizing, but due to my friend Poe who was also my lawyer they were able to give Hux the highest sentence.

I should have listened to Poe when he said Hux was not worth my time from the start and though he did everything to get me away from Hux I had refused like an idiot each and every time.

Poe was still one of my closest friends and had recently started dating a guy that was perfect for him. Finn was somebody that could make you laugh so hard that your stomach hurt and tears ran down your face in floods. I'm sure I'd be dead if it wasn't for Poe and Finn. Poe and Finn had been the ones to find me lying lifeless in the bathtub. Finn was a nurse so he was able to stop the bleeding and Poe called an ambulance.

I spent a week in the psych ward being watched over and that's when they both told me they would not stick around and watch me self-destruct. I started seeing Phasma the day after that warning and to this day I still go to alcoholics anonymous meetings.

My life wasn't roses and rainbows just yet, but it was bearable I guess.

I packed the rest of my meager belongings into a box and sealed it. Tomorrow I moved to a place that I would call home, hopefully for a long time. I walked out onto my balcony, the city lights twinkled like a million stars in the sky. This view would be the only thing I sort of missed once I moved to the country life, but I knew this was all for the best.

* * *

 

"So are you excited or what?!" Finn exclaimed as he helped me move my boxes into his truck.

"I guess I'm a little nervous," I murmured and set a particularly light box in his backseat.

Poe was fastening my mattress into the bed of the truck as Finn organized the boxes into his back seat so they would all fit. I was able to put a couple bags in my car, but it was lacking in space, unlike Finn's Ford.

"Being nervous is only natural, but this is good for you Rey. Finally getting away from this hellhole is only a step forward in making a difference in your life," he said gently squeezing my shoulder.

"I hope so."

Finn pulled me into his arms without warning, "We absolutely adore you, Rey. You mean the world to both Poe and me, just know we will be there for you whenever you may need us. So, don't hesitate to pick up the phone and give us a ring okay?"

I reciprocated the hug, "Thank you, Finn. It means a lot."

"Anything for you peanut."

We pull away, finishing uploading the truck, and set off towards the countryside. It was a beautiful drive and even though I was supposed to be paying attention to the road I couldn't help but snag a couple peeks at all the green that was catching my eye. I rolled the window down and breathed in the smell of nature instead of the endless smell of car exhaust.

It took us about an hour to arrive at my new house. It was a quaint one story that needed a new paint job, a patch job to the roof, but all in all it was like me-broken, but could be repaired if given the chance.

Poe and Finn both offered to help me with anything I needed, but I wanted to do this project on my own. I only had two neighbors that flanked either side of my house, it was a decent distance between our houses which was another reason I chose the place. I didn't really want to have to make nice with anyone. Still, it would take less than a minute to get to either house, but it was better than nothing.

The house to my left definitely looked like it was a house that housed a family and the one on my right was probably owned by a couple.

 It had magnificent wood paneling slabs, the roof was a darker slate, and full-length windows were covered by black curtains. The porch that led to the wood door with a beautiful glass oval window in the middle was also made out of what looked like mahogany. Whoever lived there was a big fan of making their place almost look like a cottage, but also like a cabin in the middle of the woods. The grass was trimmed and so green that it was almost blinding. A white fence wrapped around the entirety of it and when I chanced a look at the backyard I noticed he had a pasture that housed a glorious black steed.

The horse was pure muscle, sleek black hair that showed he was held in a high regard to his owner. The black metal gate that kept him confined seemed as if he could easily hop over it if he wished to, but I assumed he was as happy as a lark and had no plans to abandon his home anytime soon. Plus, he had so much land to roam that there was no way he was bored easily.

The fence that wrapped around my own place was to my hip and whoever had lived here previously obviously didn't own any animals, even the neighbor to my left had no animals in the backyard, but then again their fence was like a wall so it wasn't like I knew if they had a dog or not. If it was a family they most likely did.

"You okay?" Poe asked startling me out of my thoughts.

"Um yeah, thank you for your help, but I think I got it from here."

"Are you sure?" He raised a skeptical brow.

"I'll be fine. Thank you," I said leaning up to plant a kiss on his cheek. Finn walked over and we said our goodbyes.

Once they had left I took one last look at the horse and moved inside my house to start making a list of everything I need to fix as well as all the parts I would need to buy to accomplish this project. Luckily, the money I was given would help cover all my expenses so I didn't really have to worry too much about the cost, still being the frugal person I am I would most likely try to stay within a budget.

Turns out that I needed to fix a lot of things inside this new home. All the light fixtures, faucets, doorknobs, and I needed to replace the drawer handles in the kitchen too. I also needed to brighten the place up with painting the walls a more vivid color, unlike the neutral colors they seemed to enjoy before.

If I was going to try to be happier then I think adding color was a good touch in the right direction. Of course, I needed to repaint the entire outside of the house as well and needed to fix up the roof sooner than later.

Renovating the floors was going to be tough, but I figured I'd go with wood floors in the kitchen and my room then perhaps a tan carpet for the rest of the rooms. In the bathroom, I was going to go with marble floors and do the same with the sink. The windows were probably the only thing that I didn't need to fix up, all I had to do was buy some nice curtains to cover up the light that streamed directly into the house.

I looked up the closest Home Depot and was ecstatic to find that they actually had one of those about thirty minutes from here. I guess I should get some groceries while I was out there too, thankfully they left a working refrigerator for me.

After throwing my hair in a ponytail, pulling on leggings, tennis shoes, and a large t-shirt I was out the door. Thirty-one minutes later I had reached my destination, list in hand. People flocked around me, but I was on a mission. I settled on a sky blue paint for my bedroom, a gold color for the kitchen and dining room area, and a tan color for the remaining rooms.

"Need any help?" A woman asked with a bright smile on her face as I looked through different types of flooring.

She was a petite woman with black hair that was pulled into a high ponytail and brown eyes that exuded endless warmth.

Her nametag read Rose.

"Actually yeah, I'm renovating my house and I really don't know which wood looks better the cherry or the maple?"

"What color are the walls of the kitchen?" She asked politely.

"I was thinking of painting it gold."

"Then I would go with the cherry, it will offset the gold beautifully."

"You think so?" I pondered that for a moment, eyeing both the maple and cherry once again.

"I know so," she teased and brought a shy smile to my face.

"Would you mind ordering this much for me please?" I showed her the measurements I accumulated for the kitchen.

"Certainly, did you need any other flooring?"

"Yes actually."

She helped me find the perfect marble tiling for the bathroom and I went with red oak flooring for my bedroom. She ordered everything I needed and went so far as to help me find curtains for all the windows as well as metal doorknobs and handles for all the drawers. After we settled all of that she helped me pick all the tools I would need. All in all, she made my trip there a hell of a lot easier and I thanked her profusely for everything.

"Anytime! I hope to see you around."

I nodded and with a wave rolled my cart to my car to load all the necessities I just bought into the trunk and backseat. I guess I'd have to go somewhat easy on groceries and just get what I truly needed.

 The store across the street was a large market that seemed to also cater to horse owners with all the stacks of hay that sat outside the store with a man leaning against them awaiting if someone needed to buy some.

I quickly loaded my cart with fruit, pasta, cereal, milk, eggs, oven pizza’s, and a couple of snacks for quick munching. The cashier scanned my items so quickly I was a little taken aback as she smacked nosily on her gum and the bagboy followed her speed. Before I knew it I was paying and walking out with the few bags in tow.

"How is Calcifer these days Kylo?"

I don't know why I looked over, maybe because I was surprised that somebody actually named their animal or child Calcifer. It made me wonder if it was after Howl's Moving Castle. When I did look over I saw the man who was standing by the bales of hay helping another gentleman load some onto his large truck.

The man stood a head taller than the man who worked here, his ebony hair looked like it was made of the finest silk, curling at the nape of his neck in a way that was almost adorable. It was his broad shoulders that made me gulp, they were sturdy and sun-kissed with dark freckles adorning them. The tank top he wore looked as if it was desperately trying to cling onto him, but his traps were so vast that it seemed as if the thin material would rip at any given moment. The shirt clung to his broad waistline, it was obvious the man spent a considerable amount of time working on his figure. His jeans showcased the muscles on his thighs, this guy definitely didn't work out one body part more than the other.

When he lifted the bale of hay into his truck it was with so much ease I stood there transfixed by his beauty even though I hadn't even seen his face yet. The muscles in his biceps bulged, the veins that ran through them down to his forearms were taut with his efforts and I desperately wanted to know what his hands looked like out of those work gloves.

"It's not like the horse can talk," he says and I want to curl up into a ball at the sound of his gravelly voice. As if this man could get any manlier, he has a voice that sounds like that to top it off.

"No need to be a smartass," the other man grumbles.

"How much does all this cost?" The skyscraper of a man asks pulling his gloves off and reveals long, thick fingers that I know without a doubt are calloused and rough to the touch. He pulls out his wallet, pulling out a hundred dollar bill as if it was nothing but spare change and hands it to the man, "This should cover it right?"

I can only see his profile, but from what I see he has a large aquiline nose, deep-set eyes that I can't tell what color they are, strong jaw-line, full lips, beauty marks, and a corded neck that makes heat shoot low in my belly.

The other man adjusts his hat, nodding, "More than enough Kylo, let me grab your change."

"No need," Kylo says and suddenly his attention shifts meeting my own stunned expression at being caught staring.

His dark brows furrowed in confusion, now I can see that his eyes match his ebony locks, and his profile does nothing for how handsome he is when you get full frontal. The wide set of his shoulders lead to a sculpted chest, and his abs press against the cotton of his tank top.

It's like being electrocuted, my gaze quickly leaves him, and I fast walk to my car avoiding peeking over my shoulder because I can feel his stare on me the entire time it takes to get to my car and throw my bags of groceries unceremoniously in the front seat. I speed off knowing I must seem like a damn fool, but how was I supposed to know I was going to get caught! My heart pounds erratically and I let out a deep breath I hadn't realized I had been holding.

I can't remember the last time a man had made me feel like that. Not even Hux made me feel like the world had tipped off its axis when I first met him, but that man…Kylo…he was something else.

I do my best to vanquish all thoughts of HIM out of my head and focus on putting all my groceries away throwing a pizza into the oven so I can have something to munch on while I paint the rooms. I guess not having any furniture isn't such a bad thing at the moment.

I decided to start with my room, putting masking tape along the edges, and pour the baby blue paint into the plastic tray liner. I dip the roller paint brush into the paint and begin to roll it along the wall in an even manner to ensure that the paint job isn't sloppy.

The oven timer goes off twenty minutes later and I scarf down a couple pieces before returning to the bedroom. It takes a few hours to finish, but once it's done I can't help but sigh at how it lifts my spirits immediately. It was a wise choice to pick a bright color to wake up to every morning and when the morning sun streamed in through the window it would make the entire room light up even more-so.

It was getting dark, so I chose to sit out on the patio until the paint was dry enough for me to put the mattress in there so I could get some sleep before the big day of more painting occurred.

It was a calm, beautiful night that was so rare in the city, but out here I was sure that I’d be seeing countless nights such as this. The stars illuminated the sky and it was ten thousand times better than the city lights. I lit a cigarette and sat down on the first step of the porch, which was another thing I didn’t have to worry about. It was sturdy enough and the paint job would match the new color I chose for the outside.

I heard the slamming of a door, catching my attention immediately, loud footsteps stomped down the stairs, “I already fucking told you dad is innocent, you keep saying there’s a ton of proof that he committed the crime, but I know for a fact dad has an alibi. You always hated him. Shut the fuck up Chase, no, I fucking said shut the fuck up-well fuck you too you arrogant prick,” the voice more growled than spoke into the phone.

His voice managed to carry over to me surprisingly enough. I watched as he threw his phone on the ground angrily, but I still couldn’t make his features out from here in the dim lighting. I continued to smoke my cigarette and decided it’d be best to ignore the angry man. Heavens knows I didn’t need problems with another person who had anger problems. He stormed around to where his horse was and disappeared into the night.

I snuffed the cigarette out on the step, standing up to stretch my limbs out, and as I was about to make my way back into the house I heard the loud thudding of hooves. I knew I should have just ignored the sound, but before I could think twice my feet were being drawn towards the temperamental man’s backyard.

Stadium lights lit up the entire expanse of the land he owned and there the man raced the horse around the entire length of it. He hadn’t even bothered putting a saddle on the animal, instead, he held onto the steed’s mane, and I became fascinated by the pure strength he had to not fall off.

I grasped onto the metal gate, my eyes going wide as I noticed the man wasn’t even wearing a shirt, exposing all the hard muscle that lined his large frame. He hadn’t noticed me watching thankfully so I drank him in like I was stuck in the desert without water for far too long.

It seemed like hours when he finally slowed the horse down and hopped off with ease. He was a lot taller than I had expected him to be and he had raven locks. Suddenly, it dawned on me that this was the man from earlier and at that moment I knew I needed to escape unnoticed.

Unfortunately, I was a klutz and managed to stumble over a branch on the ground.

“Ouch,” I grumbled forcing myself onto my feet, it was then that a massive force blocked out the light and my eyes slowly moved upwards to see his dark orbs drilling into mine. This guy sure was stealthy for being a man of his size.

“H-hello,” I squeaked and instantly cowered away from him.

He didn’t utter a word, instead, he chose to remain to stare at me, his gaze roamed over my face, and recognition hit him, “Are you a fucking stalker or something?”

My spine straightened at his comment, “Stalker?? Of course, I’m not! I live next door.”

I emphasized my point by throwing a finger in the direction of my house, his eyes flicked over for a second, and then became fixed on my face once again.

“You were watching me obviously.”

“Yes, your horse is beautiful and you ride him so gracefully so I was unable to look away,” I deadpanned. There was that blunt nature of mine rearing its ugly head once more.

He crossed his burly arms over his equally burly chest, “Maybe, you should stay on your own property alright little girl?”

His presence was intimidating, but the way he was talking to me made me want to slap him silly, “And maybe you shouldn’t tell me what to do alright asshole?”

On that note, I flashed him the middle finger and stomped back over to my house not looking back at the brooding asshole to gauge his reaction if he even had one.

That night all I could dream of was dark eyes, a strong body hovering over me as calloused fingertips traced up my thigh to where I was desperate to be touched. Needless to say, I woke up with a start cursing at the fact that my brain actually had the audacity to make me think of that brute of a man. The last thing I wanted was his hands on me. Every time I fell back asleep his annoyingly handsome face haunted me.

Bastard.

* * *

 


	2. What Will We Do About Kylo This Time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is starting to get her life back together, but a nightmare throws her through a loop and a chance encounter shakes her to her core...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feedback I have received on this story has filled me with endless joy!  
> So thank you <3  
> Much love <3  
> Find me on Tumblr! :)  
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)

 Rey

"Hello, my name is Rey and I'm an alcoholic," I murmur hesitantly.

"Hello Rey," the group replies giving me the cue to continue.

"I've been sober for about six months now. The urge to drink is still there on my bad days, but I'm thankful that I no longer need it to survive. I'm a survivor and I'm starting to see that there is so much more that life has to offer than what is just on the surface. I really hope to continue to get better and thank you for having me here."

The group claps gently and other people talk in the circle as I twiddle with my thumbs nervously. My anxiety sometimes spikes out of nowhere, but I've been able to contain it much better with the medication Phasma prescribed to me. I really hope someday that I won't have to take it anymore, but that's definitely not something that is going to happen anytime soon.

Once the group is over, I don't stay to chat and instead grab a coffee with Rose at the local café. After ordering and being given our drinks we snag a spot close to the window and enjoy the rays of sunshine that stream through.

"So, how's school going?" I ask Rose as she takes a sip of her latte.

She threads her fingers around the drink, cocking her head to the side thinking of what words she wants to choose. I've come to notice that Rose doesn't just blurt out anything that comes into her mind-instead she seems to decipher everything going through her head like a math problem that she wants to perfect. Finally, she replies after what feels like a decade of me waiting.

"I'm happy with my major, but sometimes I wonder why I chose to go to school so far from home. I guess I miss my sister Paige a lot, more than usual these days, and it sucks that I can only see her during the holidays. I really want to go see her more often, but a plane ticket out there isn't cheap so I guess I'll have to wait till Thanksgiving."

Her eyes grow solemn and it's like the life has been washed out of her. She cups her drink a little tighter and tears prick the corner of her eyes.

My heart hurts for her, I reach out gently touching the back of her hand, "Hey, how about I give you an early birthday present?"

"What?" Rose snaps her head up to meet my gaze.

I grinned, "I want you to be able to see your sister, so I'll buy you a ticket to go see her. Don't say no either, it's a gift."

"Rey," she whispers, "That is so sweet of you, but honestly I couldn't accept that! It's too much."

She shakes her head, but I insist, "Please, it really is no big deal."

"Of course it's a big deal Rey, a ticket isn't cheap."

"There is no price on friendship," I say cheekily and am warranted with a smile.

"Rey, thank you."

"So you accept?" I quirk a brow at her and she nods.

"Only if it's really alright with you."

"Hell yeah, it is! Just tell me when you want to see her alright?"

Suddenly she is leaning over the table wrapping her arms around me, "Thank you." Her voice is choked up.

"It's really no problem at all," I laugh patting her back awkwardly.

She pulls away, "I will never forget this," she says wiping a tear away from her eye.

"Don't mention it."

"Tell me what's been going on with you,” she says now that she’s got her emotions under control

"Finished the renovations on my house thanks to you."

She waved a hand in the air, "Trust me I just helped you with the supplies, you did all the dirty work."

"You should come over sometime, see what your help did," I tease.

She rolls her eyes, "Sure, we can plan a day for this upcoming week alright?"

"Sounds like a plan to me."

We finish our coffees and go our separate ways planning on Wednesday to get together.

* * *

 

"Holy shit Rey, you've been quite the worker bee haven't you," Finn says in awe as he peruses the newly painted walls of the kitchen and dining room as well as the cherry wood floor. I had finally finished my house just a week ago and this was the first time Finn was able to see the finished product.

In the dining room was a beautiful handcrafted wooden table with a design carved into the legs of it- consisting of spirals and circles. On top was a glass covering to protect the wood from wear and tear.

I was able to install new light fixtures on my own so now I didn't have to worry too much about electrical problems. All I really had left to do was to buy a bigger bed to make my room look less empty. Other than that, I had bought a new couch, television, and coffee table for the living room. My room had a dresser finally and a desk where picture frames of Finn and Poe sat along with a picture of my dad. The picture made me sad to look at most days, but on the good days, it was a breath of fresh air to see his face smiling back at me.

"So, you think it suits me?" I ask nervously, biting down on a fingernail.

Finn turns to look at me, his brows are high on his forehead, "This place was made for you Rey! You have officially made it yours! It's beautiful! You should be so proud."

My nerves are snuffed out immediately with his words, "Thank you, Finn."

We mosey over and sit on the new leather couch, "Well, other than working on this beautiful house, what else have you've been up to lately girly?"

"I found a alcoholics anonymous class that was closer to home and Phasma thinks I'm good to go without having to see her so often, so I'll be seeing her every once a while. I met my neighbor, but he's a total prick, but the girl I met at home depot, Rose, we've had a cup of coffee together a couple times and she understands why I can't go to bars and all that…"

"That's great Rey, not about the neighbor who you must tell me all about, but that's awesome that you are getting back into the swing of things and even met a new friend."

"Trust me, my neighbor is nothing to write home about," I mutter.

"What did he do exactly?"

"He didn't do anything. He's temperamental, rude, and has no regard for manners, so I've concluded that my best option is to stay away from him altogether."

"Still, there's obviously something he did that made you come to this conclusion," Finn says with a tilt of his head.

I let out a sigh, "Well, I saw him riding his horse and before I could escape unnoticed he saw me. Let's just say he doesn't enjoy being watched."

"So you were spying on him?"

"No!" I exclaim, "Well, I guess I was kind of spying on him, but he still didn't have to be a dick about it," I say as I sink further into the couch wishing it would swallow me hole.

Finn chuckles at my humiliation, "Girl, the poor dude caught you staring and he didn't know what to do with himself. Give him a break."

"Never," I exclaim with finality and cross my arms over my chest with a humph.

"Whatever makes you happy," Finn sighs and pats my arm.

"The last thing I want in this world is to find another guy exactly like Hux and that guy has warning bells all around him."

Finn pins me with a look that I can't quite decipher and I shift nervously under his gaze, "Rey, not every guy you meet is going to be like Hux. Hux was a first-class psychopath that had no business even laying a finger on you let alone in a manner that caused you harm. When you do find a guy I will be there right beside you to make sure his stupid ass doesn't break your heart. Got it?"

"Y-yes," I say like a child that has just been scolded by their mother.

"Good. I hate to say it, but I have to get on home. I promised I'd make Poe a three-course meal for our anniversary tonight."

We stand up at the same time, embracing one another, "I'm so happy for you both and I'm glad Poe has an amazing guy like you in his life."

Finn squeezes me extra tight, "Trust me, darling, you'll find your own Poe one day, but just enjoy being on your own for the time being okay?"

I nod, "Thank you for everything."

"As I said, anything for you babycakes."

I laugh at his pet name, "I'll see you around."

"Bye-bye," he says as he finger waves at me, walking out the door to his Ford.

As I'm leaning against the door I notice that Kylo is mowing his lawn and watch as Finn looks over at him. His eyes go wide on his face and he whips around to look at me raising his brow as if I was crazy for thinking such mean thoughts about the man. I glare at him and he raises his hands in defense hopping in his car and speeding away.

I shoot one last glance at Kylo admiring the planes of his chest before I catch myself and move back inside.

The last thing I needed was to be thinking anything remotely perverted about Kylo, but did he have to be so goddamn good looking. I groan and decide to get cozy on the couch in much need of a nap.

I close my eyes and instantly fall asleep.

" _Hux, I'm home. You never would believe who I saw at work today," I laugh as I open our bedroom door and my purse falls out of my hand startling Hux and the girl beneath him. She has the decency to scramble off of him, picking her clothes up hastily, but Hux just leans back against the headboard and places his hands behind his head._

_The girl's blue eyes shine with regret and apology. As she scurries past me I hear her whisper a sorry under her breath and then she's disappearing out the door._

_"Rey, that wasn't fucking cool. You can finish off what she started right?"_

_I flinch back in disgust, "No, I'm not. I think it's best if you get dressed and leave."_

_His eyes narrow with dark contempt brewing behind them, "I'm your husband, what I say goes. So, put that mouth of yours to use or go call that girl back for me."_

_"You can't treat me like this Hux! I want a divorce!"_

_Hux is on his feet before I can blink, he wraps his hand around my throat and I grasp onto his wrist trying to stop him from doing so. My attempt fails, his hand tightens and I gasp for air that I'm unable to breathe in._

_"You'll get a divorce Rey when one of us is fucking dead," he snarls and drags me to the bed throwing me on it._

_I move to get off the bed, but he pins me down, "No! Please, Hux, don't do this!" I scream, tears race down my cheeks going from warm to cold so quickly._

_I kick and claw at him which earns a hard slap to my cheek, it's not enough to make me knock out, but it burns and stings angrily._

_"Stop moving you fucking slut!"He hits me again this time hard enough to bruise and make lights flash behind my eyes._

_He hikes my skirt up to my waist, tearing my underwear to the side and pushes inside me while I'm still dry. I scream in agony clawing at him feeling the tear of his skin under my fingernails. Bile rises in my throat as he continues to thrust inside me and I bite the inside of my cheek so hard the metallic taste fills my mouth coating my tongue. I'm aware that he's able to slide so easily inside me due to the other girl and I cry even harder, screaming so loud my throat burns._

I wake up screaming and tears are streaming down my face, my heart beats so hard in my chest I'm sure it's going to explode. Why did I dream of that time? Sweat beads at my temples and I realize I'm coated in a thin sheen of sweat.

Weakly I lift myself off the couch, wobbly legs lead me to the bathroom where I start the shower leaving it on cold. I strip and step under the stinging cold, there I cry even more. I hated him so much, what he did to me was so brutal and cruel. To this day I still didn't understand why he did those things to me, whether it was to help his ego or because he was a sadist I didn't know. My dad had suffered in prison and I know without a doubt that's what led to his death.

He worried himself sick about me, on his deathbed he held so tight to my hand whispering desperately to a God he didn't even believe in to keep me safe. I guess the prayer didn't work, but I still managed to escape from Hux even though it was in the worst way possible. If my dad had seen what I became after Hux was sent away I know he would have been disappointed.

I shut the shower off, but don't move to get out instead I sink to my knees and sob into my hands wishing my dad was still here with me.

The cigarette smoke flits through the hair and I watch avidly as the wind makes it spiral before it disappears completely. The sound of a door shutting causes me to look over to see Kylo carrying a saddle, his eyes meet mine briefly, but they don't linger as he moves to where his horse is. I put my cigarette out and forgo his warning to stay off his property.

I place my hands behind my back as I mosey over to where the gate is, watching him as he's strapping the saddle on to his steed. The horse almost seems like it was made just for Kylo. It matches his strength, Kylo is taller than the steed, and they seem to trust each other mutually which is always a necessity when dealing with an animal that could kill you in a heartbeat.

Kylo wears combat boots, trousers that lace up in the front almost like something from the 1800's, and as always he forgoes a shirt showing off his slightly tanned body. It seems as if he burns before he tans, he really should wear sunscreen. He has such nice skin it would be a shame for it not to stay this way for the long run. Skin cancer was no joke.

His dark eyes meet mine, his brow quirks up at me, but I stare back daring him to say something. His jaw clenches, the muscle under his left eye twitches slightly, and then he's propping a foot into the stirrup lifting his massive body up easily. Swinging a long leg over the saddle, adjusting himself on the horse he grabs the reins. He clicks his tongue and moves the horse towards me.

Drops of sweat trickle down my spine as he does so, on the horse he's much too tall, and seeing him perched on the steed is causing a fire to burn low in my belly. Kylo was nothing like the model type, he didn't have those chiseled features that people seemed to go crazy over. He was rough around the edges, angular features that meshed together in a way that made him much more masculine in my eyes. No, Kylo was much more handsome than any model could hope to be.

My grip tightens on the metal gate turning my knuckles white as he stops the horse maneuvering so it's facing sideways to me, but he's able to glare down at me with those pools of black that if given the chance could without a doubt suck me in.

His mass of ebony hair is rustled by the wind, upon the horse he looks like some war god about to determine whether to kill the intruder or do far worse.

"Hello," I say breaking the silence between us. The tension crackles in the air like a whip.

"I see you're not good at obeying one's orders."

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't answer to you so why should I obey you?"

I swear I see a small smile creep on his lips, but it's almost nonexistent and I'm not sure if I hallucinated it or not.

"I guess you don't have to answer to me, I'm not your master," he rumbles and the horse neighs in what seems like agreement with his owner.

Kylo pats the side of the steed's neck in almost a loving manner and it makes me wonder what those thick fingers could do to me if I ever dared to allow it, but from what I'm seeing Kylo doesn't seem to be interested in me whatsoever.

"I would never allow a man to rule over me so I guess I'll never have a master as you so kindly put it."

I'm able to rip a laugh out of him and the sound is breathtaking causing my heart to stutter. His dark eyes held a certain mischief in them, "I would hate to see what happens to the man who thinks he could put you in your place."

My eyes flick down to the ground, Hux's cold blue eyes flashing in my mind, and involuntarily I itch at the scars on my arm which causes Kylo to pin his attention there. His brows furrow, I see perplexity in his eyes, and he parts his lips but pauses nothing comes out.

I immediately stop scratching wishing I had a long sleeved shirt to pull over them, but due to the summer heat, I had opted for a loose blouse. I smile warily at him, "I should go," I mutter and move to leave.

"Hey, what's your name?" He calls out.

I look over my shoulder at him and hate how my stomach flutters with butterflies at how handsome he is, "Rey."

"Kylo and this is Calcifer."

I nod, smiling weakly before I hurry back to the safety of my house. Once inside I slam my back up against the door. That man was beginning to burrow his way under my skin. I wanted to hate him and the last thing I wanted was to be anywhere near him, but it was like the red string of fate tying us together and I didn't have the heart to cut the tie. I rub my hand over my face, what the hell was I going to do?

* * *

 

Kylo

Dangerous.

That was what I had first thought when I saw Rey. She was the type of girl that was too pretty for her own good. I had caught her staring at me, at the time I was unsure as to why her eyes had been trained on me, but the embarrassment that flooded her golden skin made me think she might have enjoyed what she was looking at. Still why me? I was not the type to have women flocking to me.

When I found out she was my neighbor that was a kick to the ass. Her gaze was so in awe of me as I rode Calcifer, but of course, I let my dickish nature get in the way of being cordial. Still, she was a fearless little thing, coming onto my property after I specifically told her not to was surprising.

I could tell she had a thing for me, most women didn't stare at me the way she did, but the few that did I took the opportunity and got laid. Yet, Rey was different, even though she stared at me like she wanted me, there was a wall around her- a defense mechanism to not allow people to get too close. Those scars that marred her wrists were definitely her doing and it made me wonder why a beautiful, young girl like herself would ever do such a thing. Still, I didn't know her story so I had no right to judge.

There was a certain pain that swarmed in her pretty hazel orbs and it made me want to take that hurt away. I groaned, why the hell was she even having any kind of effect on me? I was not the type of guy to get concerned with other people's problems nor was I the relationship kind of a guy. After thirty-four years of being alive, I hadn't even been in an exclusive relationship. I had my fair share of flings, but other than that I had no experience whatsoever in taking a girl out on a date.

Plus, I literally was a fool at making small talk. My temper usually did the talking for me. Flirting was something that was foreign to me. I was decent at dirty talk whilst in bed, but outside of it, I was as awkward as they come. Social situations made me uncomfortable and if it was possible to remain silent that was the route I usually took.

My phone rang, glancing down at the number it was from the prison I answered it with deft fingers, "Hello?"

"This is a call from federal prison, the caller is Han Solo. Push seven to block this call or five to accept," the automated voice said.

I instantly pressed five, "Ben?"

"Dad," I whispered, feeling overjoyed at hearing his voice.

"Son, it's so good to hear your voice."

"That's what I was going to say," I chuckle, but it's lackluster and my dad notices.

"Son, it's going to be okay. It's five years, I can handle this."

"It's not fucking okay dad! You're innocent!" I slammed my palm on my wall, pressing my forehead against it trying to calm down.

"I hear you go by Kylo Ren these days."

"It's too hard to be Ben Solo…I don't even know who he is anymore."

"Ben Solo is my happy going son is he not?"

I felt tears pricking at my eyes, my throat closing in, "I don't know how to be happy anymore," I say though my voice is starting to choke up.

"Ben," my dad sighs, "I know this is hard for you, but I'll be back before you know it."

The tears began to fall down my face hitting the carpet beneath my feet, "I miss you, dad, ma doesn't care nor does Chase. I'm so lost without you."

"I miss you so damn much kid, you're my baby and you always will be."

A sob wracks my body, I sink to my knees, "Please dad, there has to be a way."

"Stay strong son, I love you so much more than words can express."

"Don't go, I love you please dad."

"I'm so sorry Ben. I have to go."

"Dad, wait-"

The phone goes silent and I lose myself in my agony. I don't know how long I cry for, but when the tears subside it's dark outside.

I pick myself off the floor, my head throbs, and I pour myself a heavy glass of whiskey knocking it back in one go. Then I pour another and another to the point I know I'm much too drunk to ride Calcifer, but my alcohol-induced brain says otherwise.

I stumble outside, the smell of her cigarettes hits my senses like a freight train and there she sits staring up at the sky as if it's the solution to all her problems. I stalk towards the fence, unlatching it, and Calcifer trots up to me. Whining softly, he nuzzles his face into my neck, and I chuckle.

"You already know I'm a damn fool don't you?"

He snorts like he understands what I am saying, I pet his pelt, and press my face into the softness of his fur. He always knows how to calm me, but my brain is still foggy with the drinks.

"Doesn't seem like the wisest choice to mount him right now when you're stumbling like an idiot," Rey's voice startles me and I turn around to see her leaning against the fence as if she has the right to do so.

The dress she wears is long sleeved, but cuts of riskily at her mid-thigh and it stirs something inside me that I know is part the alcohol's fault and the other hers for being so damn beautiful. Her brown hair reaches to her shoulders and I wonder if it's as soft as it looks. Hazel eyes hold my own, questioning whether I'm stupid enough to ride a horse drunk as fuck.

"So you suddenly know what's right for me?" I deadpan, my jaw clenches.

She rolls her eyes, "Are you always this stubborn? Must be hell on your parents, you being thickheaded and all."

The words rub me the wrong way and before I know it I am pushing the fence open, she stumbles backward, but I make no move to catch her. She rights herself and pins me with a glare that could turn someone to stone if she had the power to do so.

"Did your parents not teach you not to talk to strangers especially men that could take what they want with ease?"

Her body goes rigid, hazel eyes so wide their practically reaching her hairline then something shifts and she's so angry it knocks me backward.

"How fucking dare you!" She hollers and smacks me so hard across my cheek that I'm surprised with how tiny she is she was able to reach my face and with such force too.

Her chest is rising and falling so hard I'm sure she's about to have a heart attack right in front of me. Tears spring to her eyes and then she's walking away from me, but something forces me to go after her. My hand wraps around her forearm dragging her back to me, she doesn't handle being touched well because suddenly she's punching me anywhere she can, her claws rip into my skin leaving angry red marks.

"Let me go!" She wails and it's like she doesn't even see me, she's having a panic attack…she has PTSD and I immediately let her go and back up, but she doesn't stop her assault on me. Her fists pound onto my chest, I'm aware I'm panting and instead of stopping her I let her keep going. Tears race down her face, her claws swipe across my face, it stings, but still, I don't stop her. Her nails dig into my biceps, clawing at me like a wild animal, and finally, she stops.

My lip is bleeding, my skin burns, and even though she's tiny her fists are sure to leave bruises where they had landed. She seems to come back to her senses, she covers her mouth staring at me horrified.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have touched you like that and I shouldn't have said what I said," I mutter feeling like the piece of shit everyone in this town thinks I am. They were right, I am just a lousy asshole whose dad is the town thief.

"Kylo," she stutters, "Oh my gosh, I thought-"

"I was someone else," I interrupt her.

"Yes, I'm so sorry, you're bleeding, oh my gosh." She moves toward me, but I flinch and step back. Her hand drops back to her side.

"I'll be okay," I smile, but I know it doesn't meet my eyes and my lip aches with the efforts.

"Kylo…"

I shake my head and move towards my house going straight to my bathroom turning the light on. I'm taken aback by the angry slashes that are so much more vivid in the light. My lip is cut, an angry slash that bleeds ever-so-slightly is running across my cheek, and my arms have red marks all over them. When I lift my shirt there's already a small bruise forming on my ribcage and chest. That little girl sure knew how to pack a punch. I laugh so hard that tears spring to my eyes and then I'm crying for entirely different reasons.

I fucking hated myself.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has given me the courage to keep doing what I love <3  
> You all are so amazing <3  
> xoxo


	3. This too shall pass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo remembers his past and tries to come to terms with the departure of his father.  
> Rey and Kylo remain at each other's throats, but a stormy night threatens to shed a new light on the pair...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all my readers, words will never describe how much you all mean to me <3  
> Your words continue to inspire me to be a better writer :)  
> Much love <3

 

Kylo

Age 20

"Stop being a punk-ass bitch," my brother snarls in my face trying to reach up to grab his precious play-station controller out of my hand. He's a couple years younger than I am, fresh out of high school and a gamer through and through. He's also a hell of a lot shorter than I am and I can't help myself when it comes to riling him up.

"You know ma doesn't like you playing on this shit all day, plus you whining into the headset is giving me a headache, so how about you give it a rest for the day eh?"

He narrows his eyes at me, his blue orbs shining with hatred, "Give me back my fucking controller!" He hollers and throws a punch towards my face that I barely dodge.

I chuck his controller to the ground, reveling in the way it cracks, and it's over for both of us. We are throwing blows, his fist collides with my jaw, mine with his eye, and before we know it I have my hands wrapped around his throat. He kicks out, nails digging into my forearms face red with anger.

"What the hell! Stop Ben!! Let him go!" My mom screeches, slapping me over the head with the newspaper she had been reading.

I let my brother go, spitting in his face for added measure, and he moves to attack me again, but my mom puts herself between us causing him to instantly stop.

"You're going to pay for this!" He snaps dragging his broken controller off the ground.

I fish my wallet out of my back pocket throwing a hundred in his face, "There you go you fucking loser."

My mom doesn't care about the bruises on my face, she tends to Chase like he's a child, but he eats that shit up. Their voices grow faint as I move downstairs and outside where I take a deep breath in, blowing it out moments later.

"What the hell happened to your face??" My dad exclaims, dropping the tool he was using to fix his car. He stands before me now, reaching towards me, gently running his thumb over the bruise.

"Nothing dad."

"Nothing? You're bleeding and you have a bruise the size of Texas on your fucking jaw so don't ‘nothing' me."

"Chase and I got in a little fight, no big deal."

"Little fight?" He quirks a sandy brow at me.

I heave a sigh, "He was yelling and hollering at his game, I was trying to study, and he wouldn't shut up. So I went into his bedroom, took his controller, and wouldn't give it back. He ended up throwing a punch, I broke his controller, and then we fought. Of course, ma catered to his needs like the baby he is."

My dad mulls over what I just said for a brief moment, then laughs clasping his hand on his shoulder, "Don't tell your brother, but he totally deserved a good punch to the noggin. I told him he needed to get a job and stop playing those damn video games. They are rotting his brain."

I smile down at my dad, "I told him that too, but he seems to only listen to ma."

"He's a mama's boy through and through."

"Ain't that the damn truth."

My dad leads me into the kitchen, he pours a glass of whiskey for the two of us, and slides one over to me, "I'm not twenty-one."

He barks out a laugh, "As if I didn't know who was sneaking the beers from the fridge, plus you will be in a week so drink up kiddo."

I take the glass, we clink them together, and both of us don't savor it instead we knock it back in one go.

My mother storms in seconds later, she pins my dad with a glare, "Letting an underage boy drink? Are you serious Han?"

"He's going to be twenty-one in a week so relax," he grumbles pouring more whiskey into his glass.

She plants her hands on her hips turning her attention to me, "How dare you lay a hand on your brother," she hissed. My brother definitely took after my mom in the looks department, as for me I sometimes wondered if I was adopted until I looked at my dad seeing the obvious similarities between us.

"He threw the first punch," I muttered threading my fingers together and resting them on my stomach as I leaned against the counter.

"He's your baby brother!"

"He's a fucking nuisance ma."

She didn't hesitate in slapping me across the face right over my bruised jaw, it clenched, and I glowered at her.

"The nuisance is you, Ben Solo."

"Hey, don't talk to him like that," My dad chimed in vehemence clear in his tone.

"You have always been a bad influence on him Han, so shut your damn mouth! You will apologize to your brother Ben or so help me god you can leave right now."

"I'll never apologize," I said cruelly.

"Then get out of my house!"

"Fine with me."

My dad ran after me, "Ben she doesn't mean that, please don't go." His hand wrapped around my forearm and I flashed him a sad smile.

"I'm sorry dad."

When I pulled away my dad looked so broken that my heart shattered right then and there.

That night I slept in my car and wondered what the hell I was going to do with my life.

When I fell asleep, my dad's sad eyes lingered and tormented my dreams.

* * *

 

Present

Blue eyes stared back at me, I drummed my fingers against my biceps and waited for him to talk.

"Look Kylo, I already told you there's nothing I can do to help dad." He adjusted his tie and ran a hand through his blonde hair.

My brother and I were polar opposites, anyone on the outside looking in would never assume we were brothers. There was an obvious strain between us.

"You're a fucking lawyer Chase, what do you mean there's nothing you can do?"

"My hands are tied, the evidence they have on him is foolproof, he was at that bank, he was armed, and dozens of witnesses reported seeing him pull the gun on the teller. Even the camera footage shows dad pulling the gun."

"But the camera feed was cut off right after he pulled the gun, how is it not possible that he was aiming it at the actual suspects?"

"Kylo, you're not a cop anymore, they took you off the case and made you retire for a reason. You have all the money you could possibly hope for. You're set. You need to stop agonizing yourself about this. Dad got the minimum sentence, he'll be gone for five years. In reality, it's not as long as you think."

I slammed my palms on the table, my brother jumped, "You seriously don't give a fuck that he's stuck inside those walls do you?" I growled like a wounded animal.

His eyes flit between my own, he sighs, "Kylo, of course, I care and even ma cares even though they've been divorced for a decade. You're not the only one."

I laughed humorlessly, "You always hated dad, always mama's little boy."

He glares at me, "I'd rather be the son of a scholar rather than a thief."

"You motherfucker," I snap and reach over the table wrapping my hand around his skinny throat, "He's not a fucking thief you imbecile!"

Other patrons nervously look on, I notice someone pull their phone out dialing a number and retract my hand falling back into my chair.

He takes in a deep breath, waving at the people looking on, "He's my brother, don't call 911." There's relief on the patron's faces and they go back to minding their own business.

"You need help brother and fast," Chase says standing to his feet and adjusting his tie once more. Without another word, he leaves the coffee shop and I slide my hands through my hair clutching onto the thick strands.

I wanted to throttle Chase, but ever since we were kids I've wanted to do that. He and I never saw eye to eye and I'm sure we never will. He cared about mom and I cared about dad, we had always been divided and when our parents divorced my brother sided with his mommy. I backed up dad all the way. My dad was everything to me and I felt hopeless knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to get him out of that shit hole. He had taught me everything I know being a retired cop himself.

Before I began crying in the middle of a coffee shop, I left and wandered around town not really caring where my feet led me. When was the last time I held a gun? I pondered. It took a year to sentence my dad and during that time I was still a detective trying to get to the bottom of the case, gathering so much evidence to prove my father was innocent, and in the end, my efforts had been for naught.

He was convicted and I lashed out in the courtroom like a wild animal, I made to attack the jury, but they were able to restrain me before I did so. I was snarling and yelling, writhing on the floor as they cuffed my hands behind my back. I shouted so many obscenities, getting a kick out of the way the jury looked terrified for their lives. The courthouse was so loud as everyone talked to one another, but what silenced me was glancing over at my father. His green eyes were filled with tears and I mouthed sorry. He looked away from me and I wanted to die.

That night my superior officer talked to me, putting it lightly that they were paying me off if I retired quietly. I didn't have the heart to be a cop anymore so I didn't fight back for once in my life. I accepted their offer and moved to the countryside away from the place that shattered my hopes and dreams.

My brother just happened to be passing through town and decided to see if he could convince me that there was nothing we could do to save my father from spending five years of his life in Federal prison.

I didn't know how to accept a life without my dad in it, we were around each other constantly, and he was the one who kept me level-headed. Now that he was gone I was spiraling into a place I didn't know if I could return from. I changed my name and let Ben Solo die with my father that day in the courthouse.

People say five years is not a long time, but in five years I will be thirty-nine. So to hell with them, they can shove their words up their fucking asses.

I find my way back to my all black Harley Davidson Sportster and pull on my helmet. I put the key in, feeling it roar to life underneath me, and speed back home. Usually, I take the time to enjoy the scenery, but right now I just want to feel the burn of whiskey going down my throat.

When I pull into my driveway I see that same truck that's always parked in front of Rey's house. It's been two weeks since she marked me with her nails, the bruises healed with ease, the red marks disappeared, the lip healed, but the slash across my cheek decided to stay turning into a thin white scar on my face. I had no right to lay my hands on her, but in the state of my mind I was in, I wasn't really thinking clearly. The excuse didn't mean that it made things right though.

My father had taught me to be a gentleman and I was until he was sentenced. It seemed like all my morals flew out the window and thus that is why I named myself Kylo Ren because Ben Solo was a good guy and this new person I had become wasn't.

I turned off the machine deciding to leave it outside for once, hopefully, no one stole it.

I found my way to the whiskey bottle quite quickly and didn't even grab a glass instead I just drank straight from the bottle. I took several chugs before I needed air, gasping, and wiping my mouth off with the back of my hand.

With one hand I grabbed the collar of my shirt and tugged it up and over my head, tossing it to the side managing to still hold the bottle of whiskey in my hand. I tipped my head back and got lost in the burning sensation racing down my throat. My blood roared with adrenaline and ill intentions.

When I glanced down I noted my cock was desperate for some loving, I chuckled, "Not now motherfucker."

Instead, I stumbled outside to my bike so I could admire the beauty of it. I gulped down a couple more drinks and maneuvered down the porch steps almost losing my footing. I laughed as my heart beat erratically due to the fear of believing I was about to face plant. Yeah, I'd rather not be half naked when I pass out thank you very much.

My bike shined gloriously and I smiled to myself admiring the handiwork. Running my fingertips along the sleek metal.

"You don't plan on riding that?" A rough voice asked and I snapped my attention towards the voice.

A man made his way over to me, eyeing the bike with his dark gaze. He had his hands shoved in his slacks, a white button-up tucked into them, and his hair was cropped short. He flicked his eyes up to meet mine.

"I wasn't planning on it," I replied and stood up to my full height noting I towered over the man, but he showed no signs of being intimidated. Instead, he just flashed me a smile, extending his hand out to mine.

"I'm Finn, a friend of Rey's."

I placed my hand in his, firmly shaking it before we both retreated, "Kylo."

"This is quite the beauty you got here," Finn nodded towards my bike.

"Yeah I got it about a year ago if I don't need hay then it's easier to just ride this puppy around," I emphasized by patting the bike's handle.

"Makes sense. I've been thinking about getting one myself, but it might give my boyfriend a heart attack if I did so."

I chuckled, "He's not too fond of motorcycles I presume?"

"Not at all. He calls them death contraptions." He rolls his eyes.

I couldn't help but laugh at that comment, I blame it on the whiskey, "I guess there is a higher percentage of dying on one of these versus that truck you got there."

"Now that is true, but I bet the thrill is worth the risk."

"Exactly." I tip the bottle back and I can feel his eyes watch me the entire time. When the bottle leaves my lips, he quirks a dark brow at me.

"Rough day?"

"Rough life."

"Rey, she's a good girl, but she's also had a rough life."

Well, that was out of left field eh?

"So you didn't just come up to me by chance did ya now?"

He shakes his head, shoving his hands into his slacks pockets, "The thing is Rey doesn't need another negative person in her life, she's been through a lot, and I'm not so sure you're good for her."

I scoff, "You her bodyguard or something?"

"I'm her friend and I care about her. You have a drinking problem obviously and she's a recovering alcoholic. You have a temper and she was in a toxic relationship. To be frank you literally embody everything she needs to stay away from and due to the fact you two are neighbors doesn't put my mind at ease. The last thing I want is Rey to fall into old habits."

I move around my bike, standing before him now it causes him to have to crane his neck to maintain eye contact, "You think I would ever hurt a woman?"

He cocks his head, "I don't know, would you?"

"I would never lay a hand on a woman in anger."

"Then I guess all I can say is if you do hurt Rey in any sort of way then I'll make sure you never see the sun rise again."

"I'd like to see you try," I say with venom lacing my tone.

He smiles tauntingly at me, "See you around, Kylo."

He turns from me and has the gall to whistle as he walks over to his truck. He doesn't spare me a second glance and I watch with a clenched jaw as he drives away. I notice movement out of the corner of my eye a moment later and there Rey stands to light a cigarette.

She doesn't look my way and I believe it's for the best. I don't wait around for her to notice me and go back into my house, plopping down on the couch, and fall asleep with the bottle still in my tight grip.

* * *

 

When the hell did I get so blind I mumble inside my head, barely even able to make out the text in front of me. The local library was a place that was practically my second home these days. I couldn't seem to stay away from all things crime related and the book I held in my hand was about the infamous Charles Manson.

I cursed under my breath, setting it down to pull out the glasses I tucked into my front pocket in case I did end up needing them which turned out to be hundred percent of the time. I put them on and returned to scanning over the page that described how he manipulated his little army into murdering people on his behalf. Sick motherfucker.

"K-Kylo?" Her voice made my blood run cold and I peered over my shoulder to see her fumbling with the sleeves of her shirt anxiously. Hazel eyes showed her concern and she bit down on her bottom lip in a way that turned my blood warm once again.

I shut the book, placing it back where it belonged, and moved to face her.

"Can I help you?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest, her eyes flick to my forearms, getting lost there until she shakes her head and meets my eyes.

"Um, no. I just thought I'd come to say hi."

My brow arched, "You didn't need to."

She winced at the harsh words, misery swarmed in her irises, "I really am sorry for hurting you."

"Hurt? You honestly believe you could hurt me physically or mentally? Don't hold yourself to such a high regard Rey. You mean nothing to me."

Her eyes shifted to her feet, "I guess I deserve that."

"You even had the nerve to send your dog after me. I honestly don't understand you."

"My dog?" She met my gaze once again.

"Yeah, I believe his name was Finn."

She narrowed her eyes, "I never told Finn to talk to you."

"He was very adamant about letting me know how you're an alcoholic and that your past was very rough."

She grimaces, "I didn't know he said such things."

"You need to make the leash a little tighter next time alright?"

"Fuck you," she hisses, "What the hell is wrong with you? You're seriously fucked up in the head."

I lean forward, her breath becomes jagged, "Yes I am. So it would be best you stayed away from me."

"This is all an act Kylo and one day you're going to wake up and realize you are as worthless as the rest of us."

She doesn't wait to see what I will say next, she scrambles down the stairs and I assume out of the library for good.

 That damn girl was getting under my skin and not in the way I wanted her too. I was only pushing her away for her own damn good, but I don't think my aggressive nature was the right choice. It was obvious she harbored a past that she seemed unable to escape from and I was probably only making it worse.

Still, I never claimed to be a saint and once she got it through her thick skull that I already realized I was worthless then maybe just maybe she would see that staying away from me was for the best for everybody involved.

* * *

 

Rey

The nerve of that guy!

Where did he get off on acting so high and mighty??

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but on a somewhat crowded street probably wasn't the best place to do so. So instead I did that in my car and slammed my palms over and over on my steering wheel until the ache was too much to bear.

Kylo was beginning to drive me up the wall. I just wish he didn't have to be so fucking attractive!

I had felt sick to my stomach after the way I assaulted him and the guilt that took over me was almost too much to handle. Yet, he acts like the situation never happened and I don't know whether that is a good or bad thing.

I decide I need to talk to someone so I call Rose and ask if she wants to come over for a little to which she obliges.

When I return home, it only takes about twenty minutes for Rose to arrive. We embrace and I pour us both a cup of water. We decide to sit on the porch, sharing a cigarette together.

"He's really driving you crazy isn't he?" Rose says with conviction and blows out a puff of smoke.

"I don't know what to do anymore Rose. There's this tension between us that is just growing and growing I'm scared that it's going to boil over and one of us going to wind up killing each other," I mumble leaning my elbows onto my knees propping my chin up in the process.

She stifles a laugh under her hand. I shoot her a look that says don't make fun of me, but she waves her hand in my face, "Oh relax, you have to admit that it's actually quite funny. You two keep butting heads. It makes me wonder if you two should just fuck and get it over with."

My eyes go wide, I part my lips and fumble with my words, "No way!! I don't even see him that way!"

She pins me with a look that says cut the bullshit, "You have got to be kidding me, Rey?"

"N-No! Why would I ever want to do anything with a guy like him??" My voice has pitched higher and it's easily giving away the lie I'm telling. Rose sees right through it.

"It's okay to desire somebody Rey."

"He's a vile man," I spat, "If we were the last two people on earth I still wouldn't have sex with him."

She rolls her eyes, knowing full well I'm fibbing, "Lying doesn't look good on you."

"He's aggravating and I'd rather not know what he is like in the sack."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," she replies and snuffs out the cigarette.

The rumbling of a motorcycle causes both of us to look in the direction it's coming from and to my dismay it's Kylo. He parks it on the driveway, pulling his helmet off, and somehow is raven locks are still perfect-no helmet hair whatsoever. He stands up, swinging a leg over the bike with ease before planting it firmly back on the ground. His legs go for freaking days and I realize Rose and I are both gawking at him.

"That's him?" she whispers.

"Yes."

"He's beautiful, you didn't mention that part."

"He's easy on the eyes I suppose, but don't let his looks fool you he's a total brute."

As if hearing us, he shifts his gaze our way, and Rose smiles brightly, waving at him with no fear. He stares blankly at her, does not return the wave, and disappears into his house.

"Hmm, I guess you are right about him. He's a total asshole."

"I told you so."

"Well, I'm sorry to cut this off so short, but I need to study so I have to head out."

"I understand. It was nice to see you anyways."

We hugged and she left, but instead of returning inside I decided to smoke another cigarette. The clouds showed signs of rain and I was willing to sit out here until the downpour started. The light breeze even smelled of rain and I breathed in the intoxicating scent like my life depended on it.

It was only an hour later that the rain began to fall, thankfully my roof was patched up, and it provided enough shelter for me to remain outside so I could watch the rainfall.

Ever since I was a child I had always loved the rain, my dad would help me into my rain boots, and we would stomp through puddles until my mom scolded us declaring we were going to get pneumonia.

Still, we would laugh and laugh, hopping into puddle after puddle until our stomachs hurt due to how much we were laughing. The little memories were always the ones that tugged at my heartstrings and made me miss my dad so badly that it felt like someone was trying to rip my heart right out of my chest.

"Fuck!" Kylo stormed out of his house, yelling loud enough that he overpowered the sound of the rain.

Did the guy not know what a shirt was? He didn't seem to care as he ran to his backyard, his dark hair already plastered to his face, his sweats hugged his muscular thighs, and as always my feet had a mind of their own as I too ran towards the direction he headed. He swung the gate open viciously racing over to Calcifer who was launching back on his hind legs, whinnying in distress.

"Easy boy! It's okay!" Kylo tried to soothe him, but thunder rumbled in the distance causing the horse to become more riled up.

I noticed Kylo wasn't even wearing shoes, he must have dozed off and realized too late that it had begun to rain. I'm sure he would have put Calcifer into his pen right away otherwise.

"Did you need help?" I called out, Kylo jolted glaring over his shoulder at me. His eyes darkened and it confused me until I looked down seeing that the rain had caused my white shirt to become entirely see through. I had gone without a bra and he could easily see my nipples straining against the thin material. 

I should have been embarrassed, but instead, I held my ground and repeated myself, "Do you need help?"

His brows furrowed, "You should get inside! Lightning could strike at any moment!"

"I'm more worried about Calcifer!"

"I can handle him!"

He did wind up calming the horse, Calcifer pressed his nose into Kylo's neck seeking comfort, and Kylo whispered words of comfort into his ear before he moved him into the safety of his pen where no rain could bother him.

After doing so Kylo stalked back over to me, locking the gate behind him. I couldn't help myself when my gaze darted down, his sweats had molded to his body like a glove, and I saw the outline of his member. I gulped, he was without a doubt packing.

Suddenly he grips my jaw between his thumb and four fingers tilting my head up. He's much stronger than me and my heart pounds against my ribcage in fear of what he's going to do.

His eyes are pitch black at this point, his breaths are heavy and uneven, "I would never hurt you," he says as if sensing my fear.

"That's what they all say," I whisper.

"Who hurt you in the past?" He asks in a no-nonsense tone.

"My ex-husband," I murmur, surprised I was so willing to tell him out of all people.

"Is the fucker behind bars?"

"For now." I smile sadly.

"How many years did he get?"

"Twenty, but in a couple years he might be able to do parole."

"I will make sure the fuck doesn't ever get the chance."

"You don't have the power to do that Kylo."

"I'm an ex-cop, I think I can pull a couple strings. They owe me one after letting my father rot behind bars for a crime he didn't commit."

His grip on my jaw loosens, but he still doesn't remove his fingers. His thumb strokes my jaw lazily and it's almost soothing. The rain still pours down on us, but neither one of us move to get to a dry area.

Ex-cop? Strange, but I guess I can see him being one.

"Your father is in prison?"

He nods, "Five years."

There's so much sadness in his eyes and I can tell he loves his father just as much as I loved my own.

"I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, "I'm sorry a man dared to hurt you. You're so fucking pretty, how the hell could he do such a thing to you?"

"What the hell are we doing Kylo? We say such cruel things to one another and then here we are baring our souls to one another. I don't understand."

"Do you honestly believe I know the answer to that? I've been trying to figure out why the hell you won't escape my damn head."

"I don't want to be hurt again."

His forehead presses into mine, "I'm a broken man Rey, I say things I don't mean and I hurt the ones I love the most. I can't promise you that I won't break your heart in the end."

"I'm broken too Kylo…"

He smiles and it reaches his eyes slightly, "You are strong Rey. You're a survivor."

Tears spring to my eyes and fall, "So are you."

He pulls away abruptly, "I can't do this Rey. I'm sorry."

He drinks me all in one last time and escapes to his house.

Kylo Ren was not the person everyone thought he was.

He was just a man who loved too deeply and due to that ,he threw up a wall of defense, letting everyone believe all he was good for was being angry. He let it rage like an inferno threatening to devour anyone in his path, but I wasn't so sure that I wanted to move out of the way anymore.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on tumblr!  
> Don't be shy ;)
> 
>  
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> [Golden Ticket](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	4. The Sound of Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo visits his dad in prison, but even though he's happy to see him he's still unable to come to terms with his dad not fighting harder to prove his innocence.  
> Things have changed between Kylo and Rey since the night in the rain and both of them don't know what to do with the feelings building up in their hearts...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This slow burn though ;)  
> Thanks once again to my readers <3  
> Much love <3

Kylo

The prison guard pressed a button, the steel gate made a blaring sound before it opened. He led me into a room where other prisoners were meeting with their families. They sat me down at a table and let me know my father would be in shortly.

Once they were gone, nerves got to me, my adrenaline spiked. Anxiously my fingers ran through my hair-I actually bothered to brush it today and slick it back so I would look presentable to my father. I even wore a navy button up shirt paired with slacks, but my signature combat boots won out against my dress shoes. My leg was bouncing up and down as I waited for my father to arrive.

When he was led in, I was on my feet instantly, his orange jumpsuit was almost too much to stare at, and the cuffs around his wrists made my lunch almost make its presence known once again. His hair had grayed further, green eyes somehow still held that familiar warmth, and when they landed on me a bright smile appeared on his face.

He stood before me; there was a no touching rule, but the minute his cuffs were gone from his wrists I pulled him into my arms. He felt so small, frail, and no longer like the strong father I knew before he was sentenced here. His arms wrapped around my waist and even though the guard was telling us to separate we both ignored him.

"My precious son."

My heart lurched in my chest, tears threatened to fall, but I held them back holding him even tighter than before.

"Time to let go," the guard demanded and we listened pulling away from one another reluctantly.

We sat across from each other; my dad threaded his fingers together placing them on the table, and scanned my face, "Have you been sleeping, son?"

I sighed, "Not really."

"You've been drinking a lot more than sleeping. I can practically smell the fumes radiating out of your pores."

He shook his head in disappointment.

It was true. I had been drinking excessively, especially ever since Rey and I got caught in the rain together. She was so damn beautiful standing there, her shirt plastered to her skin so much so that I can make out her dusky nipples, and the golden skin surrounding them. I had desperately wanted to kiss her, but knowing she's an abuse survivor made me take a step back. I didn't know her well enough to know what may or may not trigger her.

Plus I had no right to be laying a finger on her. I was too broken to be able to give my all to a relationship. How I wanted to though.

"I've been down lately dad," I wearily say.

His smile falls a frown replacing it, "I know Ben."

"My name is Kylo," I mumble.

He glowers at me, "You'll always be Ben to me. Do not make me call you Kylo."

There was no point in arguing with him, plus with the limited time we had I was not going to waste it being angry at one another.

"Fair enough. How have they been treating you here?"

"As well as to be expected, most of the guys in here leave me alone. I talk to a couple guys my age. I haven't really had any issues, other than the garbage they call food here. When I get out you're buying me a big ol' hamburger. Got it?"

He points a finger at me, his grin is lopsided something I have always found endearing on him.

"Of course Dad. You already know I'd do anything for you."

His eyes grow sad, "Ben, I worry about you. I don't want you to waste your life away just because I'm stuck here for now. You already lost your job because of this…I don't want you to wind up hurt."

"I'm already hurt, dad."

He sighs clasping the nape of his neck, then reaches out to clasp my hand startling me slightly with the tight grip, "Ben, listen to me," he's giving me a stern look that means business, "I wouldn't be able to bear it if something ever happened to you. Please, you need to move on."

My throat closed in knowing what was about to happen, "Dad, I can't," I whisper, the tears slip down silently.

"Ben, son, please. I'm going to be okay, I promise."

Pulling away from him, both hands move to cover my face, hating the fact I've turned into an emotional wreck.

"Son, I love you so damn much."

A sob wracks my body, I shake my head wishing this was all just a dream, and when I awoke that my dad and I would still be able to see each other every day. Dragging my hands away, there he sits across from me so close yet so far away. He takes in my broken expression and noticed there are tears in his own eyes.

"I love you too dad."

"You're so strong Ben, don't sell yourself short."

"I'm weak, so fucking weak."

"No, you are not. You are my son, my Ben, the courageous man that will stop at nothing to protect the ones he loves, who can ride a horse like a pro, can play the drums like he was born to do it, has a heart that is so pure, and most of all you have the strength to endure anything that life throws his way."

"I'm falling apart, dad. I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared, but you're not falling apart. You're heartbroken…and that's also okay, but don't let it break you down so much that you lose yourself…you'll never be Kylo Ren to me. You're my son. You are Ben Solo."

"I don't want to lose you," I whisper.

"And you never will."

"I met a girl."

His brows raise surprised by the sudden shift in conversation, "A girl?"

"Well, a woman," I mutter, wiping the tears off of my face, trying to regain my composure.

His eyes gleam at the prospect of me actually settling down for once in thirty-four years, "Tell me all about her."

Where to start with a woman like Rey was a great question, so I started at the beginning, "She has a staring problem."

My dad snorts, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I always catch her staring at me, she likes to watch me ride Calcifer, and I was a bit of a dick to her about it so I guess we aren't on the best of terms."

"Ben, I raised you to treat women with respect, has that escaped you?"

I cross my arms over my chest, casting my eyes to the table, "I've never been good with words dad, nor with women. I'm awkward and due to that I fumble like an idiot saying shit I don't really mean."

"Please tell me she has a backbone and told your stupid ass off."

"She has snarky responses down to the t."

He laughs, "Good. I'm glad to hear that. So, what does she look like?"

"Brown hair that reaches past her shoulders, hazel eyes, golden skin. She's beautiful, perfect button nose, expressive eyes, pink lips, freckles along her cheeks and shoulders."

"Sounds like you're very fond of her."

"It doesn't matter if I am or not."

"Why is that?"

"She has a past that isn't pretty."

He cocks his head to the side, brows furrowing in confusion.

"She's an abuse survivor," I say.

He frowns, "Her ex?"

"Yeah, ex-husband used to beat her. She has PTSD. I accidentally got too close and got my ass whooped over that."

"I'm sure it was well deserved."

"It was."

"She's not a porcelain doll though Ben. If you like her then you two can discuss things and get to know each other. There is no harm in being friends in this day and age. Lord knows your mom and I moved way too quickly."

I nod, "I'm just nervous."

"Just be yourself, Ben."

"That's what I'm scared of," I laughed shaking my head.

"You are an amazing man, never forget that."

"Times up," the guard calls out and we both stand.

We hug and when we part I feel like crying once again.

"I'll see you around, kid."

"See you soon," I reply.

He smiles, waves, and disappears with the guard.

When I'm on my motorcycle I have a dark thought to crash it and be free of this pain, but I force myself home, forgoing all my dad's words and drink myself into a coma.

* * *

"Fuck," I groan, my head is killing me, and there's an obnoxious noise coming from next door that causes the ache to increase.

Peeling myself off the couch, I walk outside to see that Rey is on top of her roof hammering something. What the hell? That's not dangerous at all I mutter inside my head.

Walking over, "Are you trying to get yourself killed?" I call out and immediately regret it because she gets frightened and has to hold tight to the roof so she doesn't fall. She glares down at me.

"I wasn't trying to until you tried to scare me to my death!" She shouts back.

"It's morning, why the fuck are you doing this so early."

"It's noon you idiot."

I pull my phone out of my back pocket and sure enough, it's already 12:30.

"My bad," I grumble.

"Maybe," she says as she begins to descend down the ladder, "You should get some help with your drinking problem."

She wipes her hands off on her jeans, a smudge of dirt on her face, and I have the desire to wipe it away, but instead clench my fists by my sides, "You think you're my mother or something?"

She looks exasperated when she gazes up at me, "I feel sorry for whoever your mother is."

"Don't feel too bad, she’s nothing to write home about."

"Oh, that's delightful. A man who has no love for his mother sounds perfect," she sarcastically says and begins to make her way to her toolbox to place the hammer inside.

"I never said I have no love for her," I reply following her.

She glowers at me over her shoulder, "Why are you following me?"

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know."

"Can you leave me alone please?"

I ignore her comment, "You're good with your hands."

Her eyes narrow at me, she places her hands on her hips, "Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

Now that I think about it, those weren't the best choice of words, "I mean I know you're the one who fixed up this place on your own."

"So you were watching me?" She accuses like she hasn't been the one gawking at me for the past couple months.

I roll my eyes shoving my hands into my pockets, "No, I noticed you fixing up your roof and painting the exterior when you were doing so. So I figured you also did the entire interior as well."

She searches my face to see if I'm lying, "Yes, I did renovate the place on my own."

"Where did you learn how to do all that?"

"My dad," she says, a small smile on her face.

"He taught you well. I couldn't ever do that, not in a million years."

"It took many years, trust me. Some days were a lot harder than others, but all in all, I'm happy I had those moments with him."

She picked up her toolbox, walking towards her porch steps, and my feet move me forward. This time she doesn't tell me to leave her alone, setting the box down she grabs her cigarettes on the end table, a rocking chair gently moving in the wind sits beside it.

"Those things are going to kill you," I say leaning against the porch's post.

"Drinking does the same thing."

"Touché."

She lights one, eyes never leaving mine, it makes me nervous.

"So you used to be a cop?"

I nod, "Yes, I was one for about eight years and then a detective for another five."

"Why did you quit?"

"I was forced to retire."

"Forced?" Her brow arches, the cigarette hangs lazily between her pointer and middle finger.

"I was too involved in a case. I ended up lashing out at the jury, spent the night in jail, and my superior officer paid me off so I would go quietly."

"That sounds pretty messed up."

"The case was about my dad, so if it hadn't been about him then I would have never exploded like I did. They had the right to fire me, but they showed some mercy on me I guess. I was ready to kill the jury so I caused a mess for them that they didn't want to clean up with fancy words."

Her eyes soften, "I know it must be hard for you not being able to see him."

"I saw him yesterday for the first time in a year. I hated seeing him in those stupid prison clothes. He looked so frail and there was nothing I could do. I'm pretty lost without him."

She moves towards me, my heart stutters, and begins to pound, "I miss my father every day…I thought I'd never be able to live without him. I too was lost. Even though the pain never subsides I learned to focus on the good things. I will never forget him, but after everything I've been through I can't let things bring me down. I have to get better."

"Your father passed away?"

"Unfortunately."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Believe me Kylo. You'll be okay…your father will return to you in no time at all. I need to clean up though I'm meeting up with a friend."

She smiles warmly at me, turning away, but my arm shoots out wrapping around her bicep turning her back to me. Her eyes are wide and I immediately pull my hand away as if I was burned, "I'm sorry, I keep touching you and it's not right, but I needed to say something. I'm sorry for everything I've said. I'm not that great at this whole conversation thing and I don't want us to keep being at each other's throats. I want to be friends if you'll allow it."

"Friends?" She says dumbfounded.

"Only if you'll allow it."

She mulls it over for a second or two, "Sure," she says rewarding me with a vibrant smile meant just for me.

She turns away, closing the door behind her with a wave.

Returning back to my property, my stomach feels like it has butterflies in it. To get rid of the feeling I decide to take Calcifer on a much-needed ride. He was excited to be out of the pasture, feeling the dirt beneath his feet as we raced closer to the forest that was about a twenty-minute drive but on a horse about forty.

His dark mane flows in the wind, both our hearts pounding as we enter the forest slowing down to a trot to enjoy the nature. He knows the way to the river, taking us there so he can drink the icy water.

Hopping off of him, my boots and socks were kicked off with haste, tearing my shirt over my head, and before my mind told me to do otherwise my pant clad legs were soaked as the cold washed over me.

Calcifer neighed in excitement, hopping in making a cannonball wave in doing so. Thankfully the river was still today because getting Calcifer out would be a bitch if he was pulled by the tide. Calcifer presses his nose into my cheek, laughing I nuzzle his face right back.

Calcifer has been by my side since he was barely out the womb; my dad had spotted him thinking he resembled me while we were out and about. At the time there was no place to keep him, living in a small house outside of the city that definitely would not be efficient for a horse. My dad insisted that I should at least take a look, succumbing to his demands I found myself face to face with the tiny thing. Sleek black fur, dark eyes staring up at me with hope within them.

, To say the least, the little thing won my heart over and we have been by each other's side since then. Of course it wasn't easy making my home into one fit for a horse, but in the end, I succeeded and made sure to give him all the attention he needed. Naming him proved to be difficult, but after watching one of my favorite Studio Ghibli movies the name Calcifer stuck with me and thus that is how he was blessed with the name.

Calcifer could have easily been a racing horse, but there was no way in hell he was going to live that life. To me seeing him being free to roam and be happy was all I wanted for him.

The water began to get much too cold to take, pulling myself out, and Calcifer managed to get out on his own. My body was too wet to put my shirt or shoes back on so I put them in the saddle pouch, placing my bare foot into the stirrup, and pulled my large frame onto him with ease.

The wind whipped against my face, but it didn't bother me instead it filled me with a joy I hadn't felt in a long time.

Upon arrival at my property, there that damn truck was again. Great, the last thing I wanted was to see that guy again. To my dismay they sat on the porch together, another man had his arm wrapped around Finn, and they were chatting happily with one another.

They noticed me only a moment later, it was the strangest thing to see all of their eyes go wide, mouths parting, and it made me shift uncomfortably on Calcifer. What the fuck were they staring at?

Calcifer decided to start walking over to them, "Calcifer," I warned low, but he ignored me. I tried pulling at his reins, but still, he moved towards them. They had a plate of veggies between them, of course, they did. It was his favorite food.

Rey stood up, a flush to her cheeks, I hopped off, "Looks like someone is hungry," she chuckled.

"He can't resist a plate of veggies. I forget how good his nose is."

"Who is this tall drink of water?" The man that was sitting next to Finn says as he moves down the steps toward us. His brown hair is curly, tan skin, deep brown eyes, and a warm smile plastered on his face. He looks sharp in his black button up and slacks. It makes me wonder what he and Finn do for work that requires them to always be dressed up.

Rey flushes at Poe's words, "This is Kylo, Kylo this is my friend Poe. Finn's boyfriend."

Poe reaches his hand out towards me and I return it, "It's very nice to meet you Kylo."

"Nice to meet you too."

My hand drops back to my side; Calcifer grows restless and rests his snout on my shoulder. I pat his neck.

Poe places his hand on his chest, "My goodness, isn't he just adorable Rey."

Red tints her cheeks, "Is it okay if Calcifer has some veggies?"

I nod, she goes over to grab the plate returning quickly she offers it up to him and instantly he munches down. Her entire face lights up and it's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen.

"Beautiful," I murmur and her eyes shoot over to me.

"What was that?" Her head cocks to the side.

I shake my head, "Nothing."

Poe eyes me, smirking and I realize he totally heard what I just said. Heat spans the length of my body turning my skin noticeably red.

"Did you want to join us for dinner?" Poe asks.

"I would hate to intrude."

"Don't be silly, Rey would love for you to join us right dear?"

She nervously looks at me, "Only if you want to."

I nod, "I just need to clean up and then I can come back over."

"I don't think I'd mind if you joined us just as you are," Poe teases.

"You might give Rey a heart attack if you do so," Finn chimes in and Rey looks like she wants to be anywhere but here.

"Enough you two," she snaps, "I'll see you soon Kylo and so nice to see you Calcifer." She smiles and then turns her attention back on the duo ushering them inside, whispering something angrily at them. They both laugh hard and escape inside.

Calcifer returns to his pasture, locking the gate behind him I hurriedly take a shower, pulling on a white fitted shirt, black jeans, combat boots, and fix my hair to the best of my abilities. Taking a deep breath, my feet bring me up to her porch stairs-hesitating for a moment before I knock a couple times.

The door opens; I'm greeted by Poe, and I follow him inside. My eyes take in the brilliance of the house, the cherry wood floor, all the vibrant colors, paintings that adorn the walls, and eventually we reach the dining room. There's a pot of spaghetti in the middle of the beautiful custom designed table, what looks to be homemade sauce flanks the sides of the pot, and a ton of garlic bread is spread out making my mouth water.

Rey looks like a vision in her yellow summer dress that hugs her slender waist and curls around her curves just right. Her hair is pulled out of her face now; her cheeks a ruddy color that only serves to make her more beautiful than she already is. Bracelets adorn her wrists, it makes me frown slightly that she feels the need to cover up her scars. If given the opportunity I'd kiss every-single-one and whisper sweet nothings against her skin.

"I hope you like spaghetti," she stammers, pushing a fallen strand behind her hair.

"I love spaghetti.” A shy smile flits on her face.

"Good, please sit."

We all take our seats; Finn and Poe sit next to each other leaving Rey and me to sit beside one another.

We serve ourselves, the smell is intoxicating causing me to immediately dive in, and the taste is extraordinary. Definitely, the best spaghetti I've ever had the pleasure of eating.

"This is amazing," I state.

Rey glances over at me, "Thank you. I'm glad you like it."

"What do you do for work Kylo?" Poe asks twirling spaghetti around his fork.

"I'm an ex-cop."

"You're retired?"

"Yes, I retired about a year ago."

He seems to ponder why, but doesn't press me further, "Did you enjoy being a cop?"

"I did, but being a detective was much more fulfilling. I was able to solve a lot of cases that had been in discussion for years. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to solve all of them. That was the heartbreaking aspect of it all."

He nods in understanding, "So, what brought you to the countryside?"

"The city didn't feel like home anymore."

Rey's attention snaps over to me, peering down at her it's like she knows exactly what I'm talking about.

"Does this place feel like home?"

Shifting my attention back to Poe, I nod, "Yes, plus Calcifer is happier here so that's all that matters. What do you two do?"

"I'm a Domestic Abuse Lawyer and Finn is a nurse."

"Poe was my lawyer against my ex-husband," Rey specified.

Finn's eyes widen, "You told him about Hux?"

"Not really. Just that he hurt me in the past."

Rey bites down on a piece of garlic bread, not meeting my eyes.

"That asshole almost killed her; she wound up in the hospital with multiple fractures and was in a coma for two weeks. Hurt is putting it lightly," Poe says vehemently.

"It's not your place to tell him that," Rey says eerily calm.

Poe snaps his mouth shut mumbling a sorry.

The rest of dinner remains in awkward silence until Poe and Finn decide to leave shortly after.

"It was a pleasure to meet you Kylo. I hope to see you around," Poe says. We shake hands.

"The feelings mutual."

I say goodbye to Finn, Rey does the same to both of them, and they drive off.

Rey moves back into the house leaving the door open, I decide that's an invitation to stay and follow her shutting it behind me.

Clanking sounds come from the kitchen, I find Rey searching for something viciously, "Rey? Are you okay?"

She finds what she had been looking for and my stomach drops when I see it's a bottle of vodka. She doesn't say anything as she opens the cap and I don't have time to stop her as she takes three large chugs of the vile liquor.

"Rey! Please stop," I declare, striding over to her to take the bottle away, but the ferocity of her gaze stops me in my tracks.

"He used to hit me in front of his friends and they would all laugh and make jokes telling him to do it again, so he did. I caught him fucking a girl, instead of being remorseful about it; he raped me with her wetness still on his dick. I was dry and that was the only way he was able to do that. He called me horrible names, he said no one would ever love me; he raped me so many times just because he could. He didn't care how loud I screamed, he got off on it," she laughs humorlessly taking another swig…

"He loved to pinch me in the same spot and see how fast my skin would bruise. He told me that no man would want a whore like me, he threatened to have his friends rape me, but he was a jealous guy so he never allowed that. He told me if I ever left him he would kill me. I was his, no one else's. My father beat the living hell out of him and got prison time, a year after his release he died. I'm sure it was me who caused his death, he was worried sick about me, and soon after that Hux brutally raped me and beat the living shit out of me. I didn't know how to handle living anymore. I drank and drank, cutting my skin over and over again until one day I wanted to die and cut too deep. Poe and Finn found me in the bathtub and they saved me. I sought help after that and I've been doing better, but just thinking about what Hux does makes me insane. I let him do that to me! I let him hurt me!"

She drinks more, but I've been rendered speechless. Hearing what happened to her makes me want to throw up and find that bastard so I can take the life from him. Tears raced down her face, brokenness so vivid on her face it makes me weak in the knees.

I get my head out of my ass, moving towards her, I grasp the bottle, but she tries to hug it tighter to her chest sobs escape her, "Sweetheart, give me the bottle."

"Do not patronize me!" She hisses like a cat ready to claw my eyes out.

"Please, Rey. You don't want to do this."

"You don't know what I want!"

"I know, I know, but drinking isn't going to make the pain go away so give me the bottle."

She lets out a cry of pure agony, falling to her knees, and covers her mouth to stifle the cries that continue to pour out of her.

I drop to my knees in front of her, seeing her like this is heart-wrenching, and I don't know what to do to make her feel even slightly better.

With trembling fingers I grip her shoulder gently, her eyes snap up to mine, and I'm lost to the intensity of her gaze.

"Rey-" I'm silenced by her arms wrapping around my neck, lips crash against my own, her tongue sweeps into my mouth. I'm caught off guard by her forcefulness, still even though I know I should stop this I get greedy and reciprocate the kiss, winding my arms around her waist pulling her up against my chest. She crawls into my lap without breaking the connection of our lips.

Damn it this feels way too good, every stroke of her tongue against mine makes me hungry for more. Her nails bite into my shoulders as she presses her body even closer to mine. She tastes like the vodka and normally I’d hate it, but on her, it only serves to intoxicate me making me dizzy with lust. My body throbs with arousal, cock twitching desperately for her to move against it and as if hearing my inner thoughts she rolls her hips grinding against me.

I groan at the overwhelming sensation, she swallows the sound down, dipping her tongue into my mouth again. So fucking demanding. My control is on the thin line of snapping, but I do my best to yank the chain so I don't scare her off. Her hands grasp onto my jaw, she whimpers as she continues to move against me, and I feel something warm, realizing a moment later that she's wet.

The control I had snapped after that. Shoving my calloused hands under her dress, I grasp onto the tight globes of her ass and guide her jerky movements. We break away to catch our breath, both breathing hard against each other's lips; her pupils are blown as she stares at me with a look of awe.

"K-Kylo I'm going to-"

"Do it," I interrupt her; her forehead pressed against me, our breaths mingle together as she uses my body to get off. Her hips roll erratically, I know the friction against my jeans is hitting her clit just right and spiraling her closer to release. My hands grip even tighter to her perfect ass, my chest rises and falls hard, pants escape my parted lips. Still, I don't dare to move. This isn't about me and my desire. All I want is for her to feel good. I want to absorb some of her pain in any way I can.

It's like all the oxygen is being sucked out of the room, electricity sparking between us as her breathing grows more jagged, and soon enough she is screwing her eyes closed, mouth forming in a circle signaling her release.

Her lips press against mine, she whimpers into my mouth, and I growl in return.

"You're perfect," I murmur when we part.

She looks embarrassed now, "I-I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."

"Please be anything but sorry," I say feeling defeated by the regret in her voice.

She moves off of me, standing, but I remain seated on the ground.

"Kylo that was a mistake."

I nod, trying not to allow my irrational emotions get the better of me. Half the time I felt like a fucking idiot with how much I had been crying lately. I gain the courage to stand to my feet, not making eye contact with her.

"I'm sorry," I say, surprisingly my voice remains even.

"Please don't hate me."

"I could never hate you. Just know nothing Hux told you was true. You're amazing and any guy would be lucky to have you."

"Kylo," she breathes sadly.

I turn from her, forcing myself out of her house, and race down her porch steps feeling my breaths becoming heavy and uneven. When I'm in the safety of my house, my back slams up against the door, and I fall to the ground, burying my face in my hands.

Did I say I fucking hated myself already?

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <333


	5. I Need My Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things heat up between Kylo and Rey...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, then be prepared for some smutty goodness ;)  
> Slow burns are just not my thing I guess lol  
> It's 3 am right now and my boyfriend literally gets up in an hour for work XD  
> I need sleep.  
> Thank you all for reading <3  
> Much love <3

Rey

His lips had been warm, much more full than my own. He tasted of garlic. I had noted how much he loved it at dinner and personally, I had never been a big fan of the stuff, but tasting it on his tongue was enough to make me want to get more and more of him. I figure that he normally would taste of whiskey seeing as it was his favorite liquor. How I craved to taste him after a night of drinking that poison.

Even a week later I could still feel his lips against my own, hear the soft groans that escaped him, feel the way his jaw clenched under my fingertips and the way his chest rose and fell against my own. I also can still see his crestfallen expression staring at me when I told him it had been a mistake. His dark eyes full of utter pain, but I could tell he meant it when he said he didn't hate me.

I wanted him to hate me. I wanted his anger…did I not deserve his fury after leading him on?

Telling him about what happened to me had slipped off my tongue much too easily, wanting to blame it on the vodka, but knowing full well I was desperate for him to hear my story. Wanting him to understand why I was so fucked up.

 The contents of the vodka bottle were poured out immediately after he left. I hated that I had succumbed to my issues, but the only thing left to do was pick myself back up and keep moving forward. Still, how was I supposed to move on after having a taste of what he felt like beneath me?

My desire for him was obvious, but to act on it was something I never thought I would do in a million years. He was so firm beneath me with strong muscles that made me feel surprisingly safe in his arms. Calloused hands were large as they cupped almost the entirety of my ass guiding my movements against his hardening length.

It was a glorious feeling, almost freeing in its own way. I thought I was broken, that being sexual would never be in the cards again for me, but he was so gentle even though I could tell he was desperate for no barriers to be between us. He didn't ask for more, he accepted what I gave, and was content with it.

Hux was cold to the touch, he had muscles but they were lean, and if I had been stronger I may have been able to overpower him. With Kylo he was pure bulk, anywhere I touched was sturdy, and when it came down to it he had the power to do what he wanted with me, but I was beginning to learn that Kylo was a gentle giant with a good heart.

It had been over a year since Hux almost killed me, over a year since I had even thought of sex, and I was still terrified with the prospect, but with Kylo there might be a possibility to go at my own pace.

I wanted to love again, wanted to feel a man against me, but Hux was only the second man I had been with. The first time had been a lot of fumbling around in the dark. With Hux, he had been cocky and didn't care whether or not I had an orgasm. When I really thought about it, I never had an orgasm when it came to sex with Hux. Even when I had been willing to have sex with him, he took and never gave usually calling me his whore after it was all done.

The thought of Hux made me sick, so I banished the thoughts of him from my mind and replaced them with Kylo.

Kylo with his dark eyes that held a certain compassion and longing I had never seen in someone's gaze. Kylo with his ebony locks that begged to be touched. His smile that was crooked, his laugh that was boisterous and could make anyone laugh along with him…his long, thick fingers that were rough to the touch, and his sun-kissed skin that was turning back to his natural pale color.

Every time I saw him without his shirt on gave me the chance to ogle his broad shoulders, sculpted chest, the cut of his hips, and the dark, coarse hair that started at his navel and dipped into the waistband of his pants making me want to see what was inside.

There was no doubt that Kylo was equally proportionate in that area to his massive build. When I thought of all the things he could do to me wetness pooled between my thighs and my hand instinctively pushed into my panties to my throbbing clit-relieving the ache with a few desperate strokes.

I felt embarrassed and guilty for thinking such thoughts while doing so, but he haunted my head so there was nothing I could really do about it.

All I wanted to do was smooth the crease that had formed between his brows when I told him those cruel words and apologize profusely.

He had been staying inside mostly, the only times I saw him venture outside was when he went to check on Calcifer. Other than that he had become a shut-in and I hated knowing it was due to me. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel like he was to blame for the situation. I'm the one who leaped on him and initiated everything.

Damn it, what the hell was I going to do.

* * *

 

Stop staring I scream inside my head, but I've been left dumbfounded at the scene I'm seeing, that at first I think I'm tripping. Yet, no, that's Kylo with another woman plain and simple. They're standing in his driveway, his back is against the garage door, and she's standing much too close to him.

Her pristine blonde locks in perfect curls, the white dress she's wearing hugs every curve like a second skin, and she is not lacking in the chest or ass department whatsoever. From here I can tell she's wearing a fair amount of makeup, but I bet she's still flawless without it. The heels that adorn her feet give her an extra boost, but she's still tiny compared to Kylo's skyscraper height.

She's laughing at something Kylo said and he's waving his hands around animatedly which only causes her to laugh harder, her hand on her stomach head thrown back.

She says something in response and he fusses with her hair. She swats playfully at his hand, but the smile he's showing her is so warm and kind that my heart clenches tightly in my chest. I'm jealous and I hate it.

Suddenly Kylo looks over to where I'm standing to smoke a cigarette which involuntarily makes the woman he's with also glance over. Awkwardly I raise my hand, waving slightly, and the girl smiles back twiddling her fingers at me. Kylo on the other hand shoves his hands in his pockets, tearing his gaze from mine. My hand falls back to my side with a thud. Her smile turns into a frown and she is talking to Kylo, but I can't hear a word she's saying. He doesn't meet her eyes and instead wraps an arm around her shoulders leading her into his house. Her hand rests on his lower back with familiarity.

It stings, but I know I deserve his dismissal. Still, the thought of him running his hands along her curvaceous hips or kissing her bright red lips makes me sick to my stomach. Snuffing my cigarette out angrily, I storm into my house, grabbing my keys, and decide to show my face at alcoholics anonymous once again.

* * *

 

Another week passes and that woman is still staying at Kylo's place. I try not to think of all the things they have done with each other, but of course, the thoughts race through my head constantly making me more aggravated by the second.

I want to vent to Rose, but she is in California visiting her sister after accepting me paying for her ticket and calls me every day to tell me how grateful she is that I did this for her. I miss her but am happy I was able to help her out. She's staying there for a month and even though I love Poe and Finn, it's nice to have a girl to talk to about these kinds of things.

I'm in the grocery store deciding what I want to make for dinner tonight when a tap on my shoulder startles me and I spin around to be face to face with vibrant green eyes.

"Hi there, you're Rey right?" Her English lilt is heavy, but easily a voice anyone could fall in love with.

Her blonde hair falls around her tan face, red lipstick perfectly applied, and a cute crop-top with high-waisted jeans is her attire for the day. As to be expected she pairs it with heels. I realize without them she'd be shorter than I am. I'm 5'4, so she has to only be 5'2 at the most.

"Yes," I stammer, blushing instantly.

Her smile only grows larger, "You're absolutely brilliant," she exclaims, "I'm Jeanine."

"Nice to meet you," I lie, trying to force a smile on my face.

"Kylo and I have been best buds since college. I travel back and forth from here to England every couple years just to visit him. He really helped my studying abroad experience go a lot smoother than I had planned it to be."

"Did he tell you about me or something?" I tilt my head to the side, confused as to why she's telling me all this.

She nods, "Yes, he tells me has a major crush on you, but you rejected him," she purses her bottom lip, "That's not very nice Rey."

I think I have finally met my match when it comes to blunt behavior.

"I-I didn't exactly reject him."

"No? That's not what he said. He said that you kissed him and told him it was a mistake." She steps closer, her smile vanishing, I gulp, "Now listen here Rey, Kylo is the sweetest guy I have ever met and if I was into cock I would have snatched him up already. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have sex with a guy and if I was to choose it'd definitely be him because c'mon the guy isn't small whatsoever in that category," her eyes drift down and back up to mine, "So who is to say I won't take the opportunity to find out over the next week. Kylo thinks I'm pretty, I don't think he'd say no, it has been quite a while since he's gotten laid. What I'm trying to say is that Kylo is an honest man, he has always been good to the women he has dated, and though he's had some troubles lately it doesn't mean I'm going to let some girl tug him by the collar. If you don't like him then do not fucking kiss him. If you do, you better snatch him up now or you'll lose your chance."

With that, her smile returns, and she leaves me standing there wondering what the hell just happened and how it happened so damn fast. It was like getting hit by a train. Her words were to the point and knowing she wasn't even into guys was a bit of a shocker. That meant that Kylo hadn't done anything with her and my jealousy had been unnecessary. Damn it! This situation was starting to get out of hand.

 

* * *

 

He was too handsome for his own good and here I was gawking at him once again in the confinement of my house this time around. He was on Calcifer, Jeanine leaned against the gate with her forearms also watching him, but most likely not in the way I was.

As always he was not wearing a t-shirt.

"Girl, you either need to fuck him or move," Finn says coming up from behind.

I shut the curtain, turning to face him; guilt causes my face to heat. He hands me a glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and I take it and thank him.

He chuckles taking in my forlorn expression, "Rey, darling you really need to find a hobby that doesn't entail ogling the neighbor."

Sighing, I take a sip of the concoction, loving the sweet tangy taste that lingers on my tongue.

"I fucked up big time with him."

His brow arches, "Did you really want to go all the way with him?"

"I did, but I chickened out at the last second. I was scared…"

His eyes soften as he steps close to me pulling me into his arms, "Darling, you have every right to be scared. If you do like him then take it slow, tell him what you like and what you don't. If he likes you back then he'll be more than obliging to your demands."

I nuzzled closer to his warm chest, "I like him a lot Finn and the prospect of doing anything with him is just so terrifying. He's a big guy."

"So true darling that man is not small in any sense of the word, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess gentleness. There is only one way to find out."

I shake my head and pull away, "No way, there's just no way," I laugh moseying back into the kitchen.

"Don't force yourself into anything Rey. Keep giving yourself time and when it's right you will know what to do."

"Thanks, Finn, I really would be lost without you."

"You know I'll always be here for you."

"You have more than proven that you will," I tease.

He presses a kiss to my forehead, "I have to take my leave, but I'll see you soon okay?"

"Okay, see you soon."

Once Finn is gone, I decide to venture outside, and over to where Jeanine is still watching Kylo. Calcifer is galloping so fast around the confined space and Kylo has gone without a saddle managing to stay on even at the pace he has set.

Jeanine's eyes widen slightly when she catches me beside her, but they soften, "Hey there."

"Hey," I deadpan and avert my attention back to the stud on the horse.

"He's gotten really good since I've seen him last."

"Yeah, he's definitely a pro."

"What brings you to these parts of the woods?" She questions, resting her chin on her forearms.

"I figured I'd get a closer look," I said shrugging my shoulders.

She chortles, "Oh, so you've come to ogle him have you now?"

I shift my gaze to her, "Precisely."

Thankfully my bluntness decided to make an appearance after being dormant for too long. She briefly chuckles, muttering something under her breath, but we remain in blissful silence both watching as Kylo gracefully maneuvers Calcifer.

My heart beats hard against my ribcage, mouth watering at the way the muscles in his back ripple as he steers Calcifer in different directions. His thick thighs brace tightly around the horse's midsection, and all I know was I'd be lucky if I was able to get to touch every part of Kylo's body.

I was tired of being the abuse victim, tired of not feeling the desperation of a man who wanted me just as much as I wanted him, and I was tired of pushing Kylo away to save myself the frustration of worrying about whether he would treat me like a porcelain doll or have his way with me the way he wanted.

I wasn't entirely sure how things would go between Kylo and me, but if I stood around wondering I would lose my chance to ever see where things could wind up between us. The time was now and hopefully, Kylo would give me another opportunity to be with him.

Kylo slowed Calcifer down to a trot, they ended up in front of the gate, pools of black peered down at me, and he pinned me with an almost sad expression. He hopped off Calcifer, patting his flank before he opened the gate, and eyed me curiously.

"Hey, Kylo."

He remained silent. To say the least it made me uncomfortable and I nervously fiddled with the end of my blouse.

"I'm going to the store, see you later," Jeanine suddenly blurted out not giving us a chance to say anything.

Kylo pulled off his riding gloves, focusing on the task, "Is there a reason you're here?"

His voice is wary and I hate to think it's because of me.

"It wasn't a mistake Kylo."

Dark eyes cast their way to my own, "I'm sure that's what you said it was, so what changed your mind?"

"I realized that I was just scared and said something to cover up that fact. I didn't mean it and I'm so sorry for lying, but I was so nervous about where that interaction could lead. You really are a nice guy Kylo and I'm beginning to see that you're not what I thought you were. You're caring, sweet, and you could have just thrown me on the floor and greedily took what you wanted from me, but you didn't. You held me so tenderly and all I could feel when I was pressed up against you was warmth and understanding. I fled because I thought it was the only thing I could do, but I was wrong."

"So this is you asking for a second chance?"

"Yes," I confess.

"I can't, I'm sorry Rey. Thank you for sharing your story with me…for being so courageous to do so, but I really just can’t."

"You can't?" I ask in disbelief.

He doesn't repeat himself and instead walks away from me not choosing to spare me another glance.

"Kylo," I whisper, knowing he won't be able to hear me.

That night tears race down my face and I can barely control the sobs that wrack my entire body. It can't be because he finds me unattractive and I know I hurt him, but this was never what I wanted.

I never wanted to meet a guy like him who was so enrapturing and had the power to make me weak in the knees. All I had wanted was to live the rest of my days quietly, but Kylo is a force to be reckoned with and quiet is just not his style.

The silence he left me with was unbearable and my fingers had been desperate to reach out to touch the sinews of his chest, to beg him to give me a second chance. He made me feel like an idiot and I hated that he had the ability to make me so damn weak.

Thunder roared outside, rain pelted onto my windowpane and I desperately tried to not think of the night where Kylo stood half naked before me in sweats that clung to his perfect body. I curled more into my sheets and wished for sleep, but my racing thoughts had other plans.

The sound of my doorbell scares me so bad I jolt out of my bed and land hard on the floor.

"Ow," I groan rubbing my sore ass as I stand up.

Chancing a glance at the clock, it shines 11:30 boldly back at me in red numbers. Who would be here at this time of night?

Cautiously I look through the peephole, standing on tiptoes to do so and see that it's Kylo. He's drenched and my brows curve in confusion. Unlocking the door, I yank it open and crane my neck up to make eye contact with him. I gasp when I see the large bruise under his left eye, but thankfully that looks to be his only injury.

"Kylo, what the hell happened to you?"

"Can I come inside?" He slurs slightly and upon closer inspection, I can tell he's drunk off his ass.

I clutch the door handle, "You're drunk."

"Yes, yes I am. Please, can I come inside?" I try not to think of the way those words make me conjure up a dirty image and move aside to allow him the entrance he seems to desire so badly.

Shutting the door behind him, I turn to face him. He's soaked, his white shirt clings to his body, and his jeans mold to his thick thighs the conspicuous bulge between his legs makes me gulp. Water droplets fall from his ebony locks and I should be pissed with the mess he's making, but instead, I usher him towards my bathroom. He goes willingly, leaning against the sink as I start the shower turning the dial to warm.

I start when his hands grip my hips, nose tracing along my neck, he presses his lips to the underside of my ear and I shiver grabbing onto the backside of his large hand, the other fists by my side.

"Kylo, what are you doing?" My voice quavered.

"You're so damn pretty Rey, did ya know that?" One hand slides under my shirt, splaying out on my belly; his thumb rubs tantalizing circles against it.

"Kylo, you should shower. You're shivering."

It was true, his body was indeed shivering, and I could feel the slight tremor of his fingertips as they held me. He doesn't listen to me, his lips kiss down my neck, biting softly on the exposed skin between my neck and collarbone. The hand on my stomach pulls me back and my ass connects with his wet jeans, but the cold doesn't seem to be getting too much to him because I feel the insistent bulge pressing against me.

"Please Kylo, you're drunk."

He groans and pulls away from me, "I'm fucking sorry. I've been thinking about you all fucking day and what you said to me. When you said you wanted a second chance I was so damn confused. You had rejected me and though I understood I was still upset over the ordeal and tonight I went to the bar with Jeanine, I got wasted, and I started a fight. Luckily he only got one good punch in before I got kicked out and all I wanted was to see your perfect face. I'm sorry Rey. I'm a fucking mess."

"Shh, it's okay," I say gently, extending my arm out to tenderly stroke his jaw. He pushes his face into the touch and I melt on the inside, "Just shower for now okay?"

He nods, broken eyes meet mine, "You're so beautiful."

My cheeks darken with color, biting my lip hard so I don't do something we both shouldn't be doing while he's like this.

He maintains eye contact with me as he grasps the back of his collar and tugs his shirt over his head in one foul swoop. The shirt falls to the floor, making a wet sound as it plops on the marble. His chest heaves up and down as I eye him with no shame. Seeing him in this light, I see now that he has a scar that starts from his upper torso and cuts diagonally to just before his navel. There's another one that resembles a gunshot wound on his right shoulder and another that flanks his left side.

How had I not noticed these before?

"Gunshot wound, the attacker had a knife when I was on a serious case in which he ended up being the killer, and this is also a gunshot wound, but it nicked me and didn't go through the skin," he says as he points at each one telling me how they happened.

"That must have been painful."

"The gunshot wounds were definitely not as painful as the knife wound. I could feel the cut of the blade the entire time. It was agony."

I shudder at the thought of being stabbed, "I'm glad you survived such grave wounds."

A light laugh escapes him, "I guess I should have expected to get hurt at least a couple times being a cop and all."

The water is still running in the shower, I nod towards it, "I'll leave you be."

Yet, he continues to steal my attention as he unbuckles his belt with deft fingers, pulling it out of the pant loops, it clanks to the floor, and he moves to undo the button of his jeans. The zipper resounds in the small space; my breath hitches as he grasps the waistband of his jeans and shoves them down to his ankles revealing the thighs that I knew would be thick with muscle. He kicks them off and I'm left staring straight at his manhood. The material of his navy boxer briefs does nothing to hide the impressive length within them.

I look up to see his eyes have darkened significantly, usually, I can make out where his pupil and iris start and begin-yet now there's no way of telling. He searches my face seeing if I'm going to stand here and wait for him to strip to nothing. My mind tells me to get the hell out of dodge, but my feet don't seem to get the message. My hands are white-knuckling the counter behind me and I let it dig into the lower portion of my back.

My body begins to thrum with arousal, a slickness pools between my thighs, and I rub my thighs together trying to relieve the ache, but it only increases it. The tension between us hums with bad intentions and I don't have the power to ward it off.

He notices the way my nipples have grown into two tight peaks, straining against my shirt, and a breathy growl escapes him shooting right between my thighs. My spine straightens as I wait and see if he'll pull the last article of clothing down to reveal what I've been wanting to see for a while now.

"You want to see my cock, Rey?" He grunts but remains against the wall. That sculpted chest of his rising and falling hard.

My lips part, but nothing comes out so I shut them, pinning my bottom lip between my teeth.

"I have to hear you say it, Rey," he implored, thumbs hooking into the wet material at his hips.

"Yes," I murmur and my heart pounds erratically.

"Yes, what?" He stares at me intently, voice low and husky. I should slap him for making me say these words, but one look at the earnest expression on his face makes me give in.

"I want to see your cock."

He thrusts the material down, stepping out of it, and stands to his full height squaring his shoulders as he does so. His shaft is thick, long, and so fucking hard that it looked almost painful. It jutted out and up reaching to his navel. Coarse black hair surrounded the base and I had half a mind to reach out to touch it, but I clung tighter to the counter.

He remains stoic, unwavering, and doesn't speak as he lets me gape at his cock. He doesn't even move to touch it, my gaze wanders up seeing that his jaw is clenched so tight I'm sure he's going to crack a tooth, and just under his right eye twitches ever-so-slightly. 

Without saying anything he yanks the shower curtain open and steps inside closing it just as viciously had he done with opening it. I hear the dial being turned and assume he's changed the warm water to cold.

"Kylo, you'll get sick if you don't use the warm water."

"Rey, there's a reason why I need a cold shower right now versus a warm one unless you don't mind me jacking off in here."

My skin grows warm at the thought of him doing such a dirty thing, but what's worse is that I want to see him touch himself to completion.

"That's fine with me," I mutter.

"What did you just fucking say?" He growls and I hear his palm slam up against the tile.

I don't get startled for once and repeat myself in a clearer voice, "You can touch yourself. I don't mind…but can I watch?"

"Christ all-fucking-mighty Rey. That's what you want to see? Me jacking myself off?"

"Y-Yes."

He doesn't say anything for a moment, the shower shuts off suddenly, and he steps out. I grab a towel and hand it to him.

"If you want to see me do that then we can move this shit to your room or the couch." His tone is sharp and he dries himself off quickly. Toweling his hair before setting it down on the countertop.

"The couch." That way I can sit across from him and not miss anything.

"Fine."

He's not ashamed at all as he walks through my house naked and sits down on the couch. I pull a chair up, but not too close to make him feel more awkward then he probably already feels.

"This is what you really want Rey? Want me to fucking get off to you watching me?"

His mouth is so dirty and I'm surprised at how much I love it.

"Please," I sigh pressing my thighs together.

He grips the base of his cock, cursing under his breath. Letting go for a moment to spit into his hand, I'm taken aback by the action, but when he coats himself I realize why he did it in the first place. His breath shakes as his hand glides up and down his shaft. I'm mesmerized by the grunts that escape him every time his thumb and forefinger catch on the skin around his tip. He pins me with a dark look.

"You fucking like seeing me like this, desperate to be inside you?" He rasps almost angrily.

He strokes his cock even faster than before, hips rocking slightly as he chases his release. The veins in his bicep have grown taut and I whimper at how glorious of a sight this is to see him doing such a perverted thing right before my hungry eyes.

"You want to be inside me?" It's a stupid question, but my curiosity wins out.

He laughs, but it's strained, "You think I'd be stroking my cock for you if I didn't?"

"What would you do if you could have me?"

His brows furrow, a groan escapes him as he fists himself tighter, "I would kiss every one of those scars on your wrist and tell you that you are strong, a fucking survivor. I would do whatever you asked me to if you told me to get on my knees I would, if you told me to be gentle I would. Anything you demand I'd do for you. I don't have the right to take lead in this scenario Rey so I don't know what I would do if I could have you."

He throws his head back, lips parting and I don't know what comes over me, but I move between his legs grasp his thighs and before he can do anything my mouth descends on the head of his cock.

"Ah, fuck! Rey, what the hell are you doing?"

I pull away just a bit, my mouth still close to him, "Please, I want to taste you. I want your cum in my mouth."

"Fucking damn it, Rey, you don't have to do this." His entire body has tensed up and he's panting ridiculously hard, but it's so endearing that I ignore him and place my mouth back on him. Darting my tongue out to lick along the underside of his cock. He groans, resting his hand on the crown of my head. My hand replaces his around the base, grazing his sensitive head with my teeth. I almost hated how much I was getting off on this, trying to fit as much of his cock in my mouth until it was too much to take and I pulled away gasping for air.

"Rey, please you can stop. I swear you don't-"

My mouth is back on him, silencing the words he was about to say, and eventually, his body relaxes as he gives into the sensation. My mouth closed around him firmly, nails scratching lightly before I gripped him and bobbed up and down in time with the rotation of my hand. His fingers threaded into my hair and tugged, but it wasn't enough to cause any discomfort or pain.

My tongue is pressing to a spot that drives him crazy and soon enough I feel his thigh quivering under my touch, and his fist tightens in my hair.

"Rey, I'm going to come," he says through gritted teeth.

I moan around him and that's the final straw. Warmth fills my mouth in spurts and I don't even think twice to swallow it all down. When I let go, his hand also lets go of me and we stare at one another for what feels like forever.

"What now?" I whisper.

His eyes darken.

"Whatever you want."

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr if you'd like :)  
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	6. Let's Just Live My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo continue to move forward together...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all the people who read my story and leave such kind comments!  
> It truly makes my day <3  
> Much love <3  
> (Also I changed my username from Irishbeast1 to wildcat_88)

 

Rey

Age 22

Unscrewing the plug under my car, I move it away quickly, and the oil streams down into the drain pan. Removing the oil filter I replace it with a new one and once the old oil is down to a trickle, install a new gasket on the plug, and tighten it by tapping the box-end wrench with a rubber mallet. After I wipe the drips away, I'm able to stand back up and stretch. Replacing oil used to seem like such a chore, but after my dad taught me it is hands down the easiest thing to do on my beaten down machine.

Once I'm done refilling the engine with fresh oil, I screw the cap back on and decide to take a much-needed shower. Moving into the house I jog up the stairs, it's his cold voice that stops me in my tracks, and I look over my shoulder at him walking out of his office with one of the people he calls his friend. Hux doesn't seem too happy so I hurry into the bathroom locking the door and take a quick shower before he notices.

Departing from the bathroom, dry and fully clothed I venture downstairs to where Hux is drinking his favorite brand of scotch.

"Hey there," I say pouring myself a glass of water.

His icy blues land on me with a look I can't quite decipher.

"What did you do today?" He asks and takes a sip of his drink.

"I changed the oil on my car, but other than that nothing much."

His mouth twists in distaste, "How many times have I told you to just take it to a damn mechanic?"

I fidget nervously, my pulse begins to speed up to the point I can feel the vein in my neck throbbing, "Well, I know how to do it so it would just be a waste of time and money."

He slams his drink down; it sloshes out of the glass. My spine goes rigid as he stands and walks over to me.

"I don't care if you have to spend your money on it. You're my wife and if I say to take it to a fucking mechanic you will. Got it?" He snaps gripping my wrist in a vice hold.

It causes me to whimper in pain, "Yes, I understand."

"You understand the only one who will ever love you in this fucking world is me right?"

The words sting because deep in my heart I know it's not true. My father adores me, treasures me, and would be heartbroken to know about the way I'm being treated. Poe loves me; he has told me on so many occasions how much I mean to him.

"Right," I mutter, the word holding no emotion.

He grips my jaw to the point I know it will bruise, slams his lips upon mine, and it takes so much out of me to hold back the vomit building in my throat. I had grown to hate his kisses and don't know why I don't just leave.

When he pulls away, he glares down at me, "Fucking whore," he mutters and leaves to most likely to go be exactly what he says I am.

I know he isn't faithful.

I gather my composure and decide to go to my favorite bookstore. There was a book I had been desperate to buy for a while now in paperback, at the time I read the story it had only been on Kindle, but recently she had changed that.

Wandering in I found the romance section and was surprised at how quickly I found it. As I walked down the aisle I noticed a large man and a woman that barely reached his shoulder kissing. It made me blush instantly.

The man was wearing a tailored suit and it was almost a shame how good it looked on him. It hugged the width of his broad shoulders and he lowered his hand to grasp onto the back of her neck his teeth biting into the side of it. It didn't look vicious unlike the way Hux bit into my skin wanting to make sure I bled. This man looked in control and the woman held tight to his forearm her head thrown back and suddenly her green eyes met mine.

She had the decency to blush and pushed at the large man.

"Ben, stop," she muttered weakly.

Dark eyes looked over at me, a smirk graced his face, "Did you want to be next?" He asked and his voice was a low rumble.

I gasped and turned away banishing his handsome face out of my mind. If Hux ever found out I had gotten hot over a man he would kill me.

 

* * *

 

Rey

Age 24

"I'll fucking kill you!" Hux yells in my face, his hands wrapped around my throat as I kick out desperate to escape his rage. He lets go of me only to smack me across the face and I fall to the ground with a thud grasping onto my throbbing cheek.

"Please Hux! I promise nothing happened between us! He's my best friend!" I cry, but Hux is huffing and puffing.

He cocks his fist back and I'm prepared for the pain until I hear the door being smashed open. My dad stomps in like a hero out of a story. His brown hair looks like he had been raking his fingers through it all night, blue eyes are full of unbridled hate as he wraps his hand around Hux's fist. My dad was a burly guy, probably from working on cars all his life, but also because he spent most of his days staying in tip-top shape.

I heard an audible snap and Hux hollered in agony. It was a blur after that; my dad's fists were pounding into Hux over and over again. Blood smattered on his face, but he still didn't stop.

"Dad!!" I wrapped my hands around the crook of his elbow and pleaded with him to stop.

He listened, breathing raggedly. He cast his eyes to me, "Call 911 honey."

I nodded not even having the guts to look down at Hux and see the damage my father had inflicted.

I dialed 911 with trembling fingers and let them know what happened. My dad sat on the couch, drinking a beer.

"Rey, I know what's about to happen to me, but you need to get away from that scumbag for good. Please," he whispered as I kneeled before him.

"Dad," I sobbed and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"Shh, everything will be okay honey. I love you so much."

"I love you too." He smoothed my hair back away from my forehead and that is how we remained until the cops and ambulance showed up.

Hux was taken to emergency care and my father to jail. The next couple months were long; my father was shown some mercy and convicted for a year.

The year dragged on, Hux and I were separated. He tried to apologize to me, but I wasn't having it. Of course, he was angry, but I refused to fall into his arms once again.

When my dad was released it was easy to see prison had taken a toll on him.

 After all this time, Hux had become a lot kinder and I thought maybe he had changed. He even forgave my father for the whole ordeal in which my father told him he never apologized and never would. Still, I wasn't going to trust Hux fully, I refused to sleep with him, and pondered divorce every day.

I watched my father start to deteriorate only a couple months after being released. We thought it was nothing but a cold. It turned out to be cancer and only a year later he passed away.

I cried my eyes out at the funeral, begging for him to come back to me. Looking back I remember the way Hux smiled as my father was lowered into the grave and right then I knew his kindness had all been just an act.

On my birthday, the day I turned twenty-six he unleashed all the hatred and anger he had subdued for the past year on me.

That day I wanted to just die, but life had other plans in store for me.

Months after being discharged from the hospital, I began my slow decline into drinking at least a bottle of vodka a day. Hux's words haunting me.

Every time I cut my skin I told myself no one would ever love me, take another shot and tell myself I didn't deserve to live. The spiral into self-destruction was messy, but getting out of it was even messier. I lashed out at Finn and Poe countless times before I tried to take my life and after that seeking help was a major step into trying to see if life did have anything worth living for.

Without Finn and Poe, I would have never had the chance to see that things could change…

 

* * *

 

Rey

Present-Age 27

"Whatever you want."

His dark eyes stare down at me, searching my face to see what my next move will be. The taste of him lingers in my mouth and it's surprisingly sweet.

My heart is beating fast, gulping I clutch his powerful thighs, and bring myself to my feet. His eyes shift up to keep our connection. With careful movements, I place one knee by his left hip and swing my other leg over to bracket his other. His breath hitches when I lower my ass to rest on his thighs. His cock twitches between us already spurring back to life with desire. His hands remain in fists on the couch, I realize he's letting me steer this in the direction I want it.

What universe did Kylo come from? I wonder. For being such a big guy he is so gentle, willing to let me take my time. Most guys in this position would be rushing the whole thing, wanting to stick their dick somewhere warm, but even if that's what Kylo wants he makes no moves to do so. For having such dark eyes he's able to convey so much emotion with them, he looks so vulnerable, and it takes me off guard.

Placing my hands on his sturdy shoulders I feel that he's trembling beneath me, "You're trembling," I say in disbelief.

"I'm scared," he whispers and the emotion laced in his tone is enough to make me high.

"Why are you scared?" I ask, my fingertips dance along his collarbone, over his sculpted chest, skimming over his nipples and at that he sucks in sharply.

"Because I don't understand why I feel this deeply for you. I barely even know you and yet all I want is to be by your side as much as you'll allow me. I'm at your mercy, Rey."

Traveling my hands back up to his neck, the vein there is throbbing, and I press my fingers into it feeling the erratic pulse. He's not lying…not even a little. He's so honest with himself…with me. I don't understand.

"Why are you at my mercy Kylo? I don't understand." My brows have knitted together.

"I'm your fucking dog, Rey. I'll obey you till the end of my days. I'll be loyal and treat you with respect. I'll do everything in my power to wash away the wounds on your heart. I will never allow another person to hurt you."

"Kylo…" I sink my fingers into his wet ebony locks and tug gently. He grunts at the action, "Thank you."

Our lips are mere inches apart, every breath mingles together, and I lean forward to press a chaste kiss against his full lips. Pulling away only to move in to press another and then another kiss against his lips that are like a magnet pulling me in. The chaste kisses end as soon as they began when I slip my tongue into his mouth and revel in the groan that escapes him.

His tongue passionately moves against my own and it's my turn to whimper into the kiss. He swallows it down greedily. His tongue licks along the roof of my mouth, over my teeth, and meets my own in a desperate tango once again.

I break away only to mutter a couple words, "Touch me."

Without another word, I bite down on his bottom lip and elicit a growl from deep in his chest. His calloused hands are shoved under my shirt landing on my trim waist and he hauls my body firmly against his own. My chest brushes his as our tongues duel for dominance in the heated kiss. As cliché as it may sound but it is heaven to have his warm hands on me erasing the pain of the last man who laid his hands on me in this way.

Kylo dips his hand down over my lower back into the waistband of my pants to cup one tight globe. He's exuding warmth; it's making me want more and more of him. All the hurt I've endured at the hands of a man should make me scared of Kylo. He's so much bigger than Hux ever was and yet I feel so safe with him because I know he would never raise a finger at me in anger.

His scent is making me dizzy, he smells like musk and rain, it's a scent that reminds me of the days where all I knew was happiness. How I wished I had spent my twenties living and being free instead of allowing myself to be beaten and told that no one would ever love me. Yet here I was with a man who looked at me as if I was the one to hang the stars in the sky each night. The need that is coming off of him in waves is not a desire to control me, it's a desire to make me feel good, and it makes me feel so wanted.

The soft sounds that are coming from him are so perfect, breathtaking if I was, to be honest.

"Rey, you are so perfect," he murmurs against my lips as we catch our breath. He grasps onto my wrist and turns my arm to where my scars are facing him.

"K-Kylo, what are you doing?" I'm breathless as he stares at all the white spindly scars that mar my wrist and I'm overcome by shame.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," he says with finality, "These scars only show how you struggled and overcame your demons."

He presses his lips to one and I shudder almost violently. His tongue darts out, laving at the healed wounds. I suck in a deep breath and grasp tightly to the hairs at the nape of his neck. His lips and tongue worship my skin and I'm reduced to small moans, the ability to form words now thrown out the window as he washes away all the cruel things that have been said to me over my self-harming.

So many people have laughed at the scars, said cruel insensitive things about them straight to my face. People have told me to hide them and that they are ugly. One person even told me to cut deeper next time and none of these people even knew my struggle, and here Kylo is once again filling my heart with so much love it's almost unbearable.

I can't handle it anymore, tugging his head back and collide our lips in a vicious kiss that conveys how much I want him. He eagerly responds and it seems like we sit on my couch for hours just kissing and enjoying the feeling of being intimate in such a way.

Our lips break away and the look in Kylo's eyes is breathtaking. They are filled with so much adoration that it makes my stomach flutter and my heart pound even more than it already was.

"Kylo," I start, but he shakes his head as if already knowing what I was going to say.

"We don't have to do anything. As I said, the ball is completely in your court. When you're ready that's when I'll be ready too."

 Tears well up in my eyes, one slips down, and he reaches up to wipe it away with the pad of his thumb. It's rough to the touch, but soothing in its own way.

"Thank you so much Kylo."

"I should be the one thanking you," he chuckles and it's a deep sound that I feel against my chest.

"Why is that?" I question, quirking a brow.

"You really don't know how amazing you are? Rey, I've been going through a lot lately and have been a moody asshole, but you've been so understanding and so kind. I'm lucky to even have you sitting on my lap right now wanting to kiss me let alone touch me. So, thank you."

If it was possible, I would have dissolved into a puddle at his words. Instead, I kissed him until both our lips were swollen and we decided to watch a movie together. I managed to find some sweats that were always too big for me and though they were a little short on him they still fit.

That night I fell asleep laying on his broad chest and I couldn't have been happier.

  _"Did you want to be next?"_

I wake with a start, what the hell? Why was I remembering that guy from so long?

His eyes had been so dark, dilated with lust, and the way he stared at me made me think he wasn't exactly joking about me being next.

I can remember he had short black hair and his ears were adorably large, but somehow matched his other features. He wasn't all sharp lines and angles, but he had been handsome in a completely different way. His features start to come together and I gasp.

No way…

That was Kylo.

She had called him…Ben.

 

* * *

 

 

Kylo

Jeanine had taken her leave, though the house was silent once more I didn't have the feeling I normally had when it was this empty. Instead, I was content with the silence because it gave me time to reflect on what had happened between Rey and me.

She had opened herself up to me and I knew that I was a total dick for saying I couldn't give her a second chance. It was my way of shielding myself from getting hurt. The thing was I really did like her and wanted to pursue a relationship with her, but I didn't know how to go about asking her if she wanted to be exclusive.

Just the thought of asking made me sweat.

It felt like such a grade school thing to do by asking her to be my girlfriend, but was there really another way of going about it? I would have to man up and just confess that I had feelings for her. I'm sure it was already painfully obvious, but I didn't want to beat around the bush with her.

I would ask her to go out to dinner with me and then tell her what was going on in my head. Hopefully, she would agree to go out with me because I wanted to get to know her more. I wanted to know her favorite color, favorite food, what makes her laugh to the point of tears, her favorite movie, and overall anything that has to do with her to be quite frank.

After that night, we parted agreeing to take it slow, but that still didn't make me feel all that good. I wanted her to know I was strictly hers.

It was decided. I would ask her out and that was that.

Gathering my nerve, I walked over to her house, walked up those stairs, and before I could hesitate further I knocked and waited.

Soon after I knocked the door opened and there she stood radiant as ever, but the look in her eyes made my heart plummet into my stomach. She was looking at me as if she knew a dirty secret that I had been keeping from her. Nervously I shoved my hands into my pockets.

"Hey Rey, can we talk?"

Her eyes flit between mine and all she does is nod in answer stepping aside to give me room to walk in. The door shuts loudly behind me and I flinch. Okay, this is not good, what the hell did she find out about me?

"Kylo, I'll just cut to the chase. I remembered you."

My brows knit together, "What?"

"A long time ago when I was still living in the city, I went to a bookstore called ‘Night and Day', while I was there I saw a couple making out in the middle of an aisle, but the girl caught me staring and her companion asked me if wanted to be next, it was you Kylo."

Her words don't register in my brain for a moment. Scrambling around to figure out what the hell she is going on about? Bookstore, making out...then it's like being hit in the head with a baseball bat. I remember at that time I was going through a shitty case that I couldn't solve and Felicity was more than happy to help me with my stress. I can't recall why we had been there, but I do remember having a girl snooping on us and I did say that because she had been actually really cute. Plus Felicity wasn't the jealous type, she even said she wouldn't have minded a threesome if the girl hadn't run away with her tail tucked between her legs.

That had been Rey? Oh shit. That was a fucking weird coincidence.

"I'm sorry. It had been a bad time for me."

"That's beside the point. She called you Ben."

Hearing my name roll off her tongue was a shock to my system, she had a really great memory.

"Ben Solo is my real name."

"Why did you lie to me?" She is truly hurt.

I move closer and she takes a step back, "Rey, technically my name is Kylo Ren. I used to be Ben Solo but after my dad went to prison I didn't know how to cope. I was no longer the carefree guy I used to be whose only stress in life was work. The day he got convicted I went kind of crazy and realized that was never something Ben Solo would have done. I decided to change my name because I don't know how to be my father's son anymore."

Her eyes softened, "Do you want me to keep calling you Kylo?"

I nod, "Please?"

"You could have been honest with me you know."

I shake my head, "I'm sorry sweetheart. I promise not to hide anything from you from now on."

"So there's nothing else I should know?" She quirks a brow at me, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Nope, I think you know more about me than most people," I chuckle and move towards her this time she doesn't move away. I tuck a fallen strand behind her ear and lower my lips to hers. She accepts the kiss. This one isn't as heated as our kisses normally are, but it feels good either way.

"I can't believe we've technically met before," she says in disbelief as I stroke her jaw with my thumb enjoying just being able to touch her in such a way.

"I can't believe I asked you if you wanted to be next," I say embarrassed.

"If I'm being honest I almost said yes."

My brows dart up high on my forehead, "Really? And why would that be?"

"Because you were super handsome and the way you kissed that woman made me wonder what you would be like with me."

"Trust me, you wouldn't have liked the kind of guy I was when it came to things like sex," I mutter.

Back in the day, any woman that ended up in my bed wanted vanilla sex and it just wasn't me. Most of the women enjoyed my rough style when it came to sex, some said I was an animal and abandoned me as fast as they could. It's not like I strangled them or anything. I liked to bite, spank, and fuck hard. It had been years since I last had sex so I wasn't even sure what my style was like anymore, but with Rey, I knew I could never be the rough asshole I was.

"I'm not a porcelain doll."

Her eyes are full of a fire that takes me off guard, "I wasn't saying you were darling."

"You think I would not like it rough?"

Alright, this is getting confusing. How exactly do I respond to that?

"Babe, I'm not implying anything."

"Yes you are Kylo," she sighs and moves away from me. I instantly miss touching her soft skin.

"I don't want to be seen as broken. The things Hux did to me were cruel and horrible. He didn't know how to love, but I will not let the things he did to me define what I enjoy."

"You're the strongest person I know Rey. I'm willing to do whatever you want. I'm sorry if you think I was saying we can't do certain things." I shift uncomfortably and grasp onto the nape of my neck.

"I'm going to want you to be rough sometimes Kylo and I want you to say dirty things to me. I'll tell you if I can't handle something."

"As I've said before Rey, I'm at your mercy."

"You really are a different breed Kylo."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're definitely not like most guys."

Better tell her how I feel then, "Rey, what would you say to being my girlfriend?"

"Your girlfriend??"

"Is that being too forward?" She holds my gaze, her eyes wide on her gorgeous face.

She sputters for a moment before she can form her words, "You want to be my boyfriend?"

"Only if you'll allow it."

Suddenly she's jumping into my arms, I barely manage to catch her as she wraps her arms around my neck and she's laughing, it's a beautiful sound.

"Yes, I'll be your girlfriend Kylo."

"So you'll go on a date with me?"

She pulls back so she can press her lips to mine.

"Yes," she murmurs against them.

"Tonight, 7 pm?"

She nods and snatches my lips once again.

I don't think I'll ever be the same now that she is in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This be my tumblr  
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	7. Let Me Be Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Rey go on their first date together...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't express how thankful I am to all my readers, you all brighten my day <3  
> This story will be wrapping up soon, but thank you to all who invested their time in reading it!! <3  
> Much love <333

 

Rey

My hand is encased in Kylo's small hand as he leads me into a large barn where upon entering there are a good eighty people all having a blast dancing together. It's not the typical dancing I'm used to where people are grinding on one another. This kind of dancing is more chaste and the folk band is singing songs that my grandma could listen to without cringing. All in all, I can't believe I'm here with Kylo out of all people.

He doesn't hesitate in leading me into the mass of people all laughing and having the time of their lives as they twirl, stomp, and keep in time with their partner's movements. I'm even more surprised when Kylo wraps his hand in mine, grasps my hip with the other, and begins to dance with me. A large smile frames his frustratingly handsome face and I'm powerless to the effect he has on me.

Kylo is dressed in plaid and his jeans hug his strong legs. He even traded his combat boots out for cowboy ones. His hair is slicked back and when I had seen him standing before me in this get-up I was astonished by how different he looked. It was definitely not a bad look on him. He looked amazing and it had made me want to forgo the date so I could ravish his body in my bedroom or couch because it was closer to the door.

I, on the other hand, had settled for an all-white skater dress that I paired up with boots because he told me to dress somewhat comfortable. I had figured this would be the best choice and though it didn't exactly fit in with the style of everybody else it didn't seem like anyone cared much about that fact.

The music slowed down, a love song filtered through the speakers, and everyone began to sway to the music including Kylo and me.

"Thank you for coming with me tonight. I don't think I would have ever had the guts to venture in here otherwise."

My neck cranes to meet his eyes, they are ones full of adoration, "What made you want to come here, to begin with?"

He shrugs, "Thought it would be fun, plus you could see my moves," he teases and wrangles a laugh out of me. 

"I can't say this was expected, your dance moves I mean," I tease right back and we both dissolve into laughter.

After hours of constant dancing, even talking to other barn-goers we decide to go get something to eat at a quiet Italian restaurant.

"Order anything you like," Kylo states scanning over his own menu.

"I'll pay," I say, but the look he pins me with is one of annoyance.

"I asked you out on a date which means I was planning on paying from the start. So, please order anything to your heart's delight, on me."

The crease between his eyes smoothes out, his look of annoyance is replaced with one so tender that I grab a garlic roll and stuff it into my mouth. He chuckles at my embarrassment and puts his menu down. He leans his elbow on the table and rests his chin on his palm.

"Rey, you'll let me pay right?" He asks.

I nod and am rewarded with a lazy smile that reminds me of the cat that just caught the canary.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I mutter feeling my face span with heat.

"I was just thinking about how much I want to kiss those pretty lips of yours."

The room has either gotten extremely hot or it's just Kylo's words that are causing it to feel like I've entered a sauna.

"Kylo, we're in public," I say with no conviction.

"So? Look around, there's no one here. No one here to hear me, but you."

The waitress interrupts at that moment and writes down what we both want telling us she'll be back soon with our food.

"What's your favorite color?" He asks nonchalantly stirring his straw around in his coke.

"Purple," I reply somewhat confused.

"Don't look so confused I just want to know more about you is all. Tell me about yourself, Rey."

"Well, I was born in a small town called Jakku that is pretty much the lowest of the low. My dad and mom divorced when I was young and I chose to live with my dad. My mom wasn't too torn up about it and neither was I. My dad taught me everything I know. He was kind and loving. He always told me I could be anything I wanted in this world. Purple is my favorite color because it was the color of the flowers he bought me every Valentine's day. I had a couple friends during high school, but the only true friend I really had was Poe. We met in high school and I was the first person he told that he was gay.

We were stuck to each other like glue from then and on. We wound up moving to the city together, lived in a small trashy apartment that we both could barely afford. We went to public college together. I was studying engineering and he had always planned on being a lawyer. He chose to study domestic violence and it was set in stone that day that he wanted to protect victims of abuse. He's helped so many people including me. He truly has a heart of gold. As for me, I wasted my twenties being in a shitty relationship and ended up quitting college. I haven't had a job in a long time and if I did I would probably work as a mechanic.

I love sunsets, but sunrises are better. Lemonade is my favorite drink, but none of that artificial shit. I like freshly squeezed pulp and everything. I could live off of apple pie if it was possible and I love to cook. I'm twenty-seven if you didn't know that."

He listened intently to every word that left my mouth, even when our food arrived he said thank you and then ignored it to keep his attention completely on me. It was almost freeing being able to talk to someone who genuinely wanted to know me.

"I don't believe you wasted your twenties, Rey. That time was difficult, but you got through it and that shows how strong you are. You can still go back to college if you want to and I think you'd be a great mechanic. All I would want for you is to do something that makes you happy. I will make sure to buy all the lemons in this world for you and I'm thirty-four. I hope that doesn't put you off."

I smile at the worried look he has now that he's told me his age, but I had figured he was in his thirties, "Thirty-four is still young Kylo. You're only what, seven years older than me?"

"It sounds worse when it's said out loud," he mutters forking lasagna into his mouth.

"Kylo, really seven years age difference is nothing."

"I wouldn't say it's nothing, but I like you too much to start worrying about that now."

"Good, there is no need to worry about it. We're both adults capable of deciding what we want."

"And what do you want?" He says huskily, his eyes darken and I'm drawn to him like a moth to the flame.

"You," I confess.

"Whenever you want me, I'm right here."

He doesn't push the subject further and I'm not sure whether I'm grateful for it or not. The thing is that I wanted to know what it felt like to have Kylo's fingers tracing along my bare skin, to know what his fingers felt like in an intimate spot. In reality, I wanted to know what kind of lover Kylo was, from the short excerpts I had gotten so far was that he was gentle, but I'm not quite sure that's what I wanted.

I wanted Kylo's dirty mouth whispering by my ear as he pounds into me from behind. His hands all over me making me whimper for more. His teeth marring my skin, hands in my hair tugging and telling me to take it. What I wanted was his recklessness, his lack of control, and I wasn't sure how to go about telling him that without feeling completely disgusting for having such thoughts after everything I've been through.

I trusted Kylo though. I trusted that he would never hurt me for his satisfaction, but did that mean I wanted to have vanilla sex with him? Not really.

We ended finishing up dinner, but I was still lost in my thoughts as we began the drive home. Kylo could tell something was off, but he didn't bother me instead he rested his palm on my thigh squeezing it to remind me that he was there for me. He really was a sweet man.

He pulled into his driveway shutting off the truck, he hopped out and wrapped around the side to open my door for me. He helped me out and walked me up to my door. Unlocking it I held tightly to the handle.

"Did you want to come in?" I ask, my voice shakes and I curse in my head at my nerves.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He seems to hesitate before stepping inside. The door shuts and both of us stand there in silence.

"Kylo, tell me about yourself. What were you like when you were younger?"

"I have a younger brother and we never got along. He's a few years younger than I am and though I wanted to be there for him he was annoying as most younger brothers are. He was always forgoing his homework to play games and he always chose the wrong crowd to hang out with. He was a mama's boy too. I never got along with my mother. My father was always on my side. I was your average kid. I liked skateboarding, playing the drums, and anything that involved art.

I wasn't exactly popular, but people knew me and talked to me. I wasn't school smart, but I passed because I knew I needed to. I decided to be a cop from an early age; it's why I dedicated myself to working out. When I was about seventeen is when girls started noticing me. Some wanted me just for my body and others wanted me to be in a relationship with them, but I didn't really pay attention to them at that time. It was when I was in college that I finally lost my virginity and I fucking sucked, but she was nice enough to not tell everybody. I was pretty much carefree, hardworking, and determined to succeed, but women were usually put on the backburner. It's probably why I'm thirty-four and have never been in a relationship until you."

"You can play the drums?"

He nods, "Pretty well actually."

Kylo was constantly throwing me through loops. He was so talented in so many things. He wasn't cocky when he had every right to be with looks like his. He was loyal, focused, and not afraid to be open with me. I admired his strength and his capability to wear his heart on his sleeve. It was always something I wished I could do.

My feet lead me to him, he visibly tenses. His forearms flex and I see that his hands had balled into fists. He inhales deeply through his nose when my hand splays out on the plane of his sculpted chest. He exhales on a shaky breath and I hate to admit I like having the power to make him this nervous. He's so strong. Powerful. Handsome. What would it be like to give me over to him completely? I trust him, so what is holding me back…

"You're thinking too hard," he mutters breaking me out of my reverie.

"What makes you say that?"

"Your brows are pulled together so tight I'm sure your face is going to get stuck like that," he says in a light teasing tone, but it's also laced with something else. Lust. Desire. Want.

"Why do you like me Kylo?"

It's his turn for his brows to pull together, "What's not to like about you, Rey? You're amazing in every way."

"But I'm not and soon enough you're going to realize that." I turn to walk away from him, but he grabs the crook of my elbow and pulls me back towards him.

"That is just your insecurities talking Rey; you are more than good enough."

I shake my head, "What if I'm never ready to have sex? Will you still stick around?"

"Of course I will," he growls and pushes my back up against the wall, placing his hands by my head. He stares down at me, a storm brewing in his dark eyes.

"Eventually you're going to want sex and what if I can't give you that."

"I already want sex with you Rey, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable of keeping my cock in my pants."

I flush, turning my head to the side. He grips my jaw and makes me look back at him. My stomach knots watching the way he stares at me. His eyes have darkened even more and his jaw clenches. He seems perplexed by the whole situation and I hate that I'm making him feel this way.

"Do you think I would ever make you do anything against your will?" He demands more than questions.

"Kylo-"

"Please, just answer me honestly. Do you think I would hurt you?"

"No."

"Then you must know that I will wait patiently until you decide you want to take the next step with me."

"I just don't want you to get bored of being with me."

"It's not all about sex, Rey. I like you for more reasons than just your physical appearance. Of course, I desire you, but I can respect your decision to wait."

"Thank you,” I murmur feeling a lot better now that he said those words out loud.

"Let's pick a movie eh? Just relax for the rest of the night."

I nod and we decide on Primal Fear. Settling down next to each other, he wraps his arm around my shoulder and I nestle into his warmth. Before I know it I've passed out.

Waking sometime later, I'm pressed against something very warm. Soon enough I realize Kylo is spooning me, his hand spans the length of my stomach pressing me to him and my stomach begins to rise and fall rapidly with being against him like this.

His breath is by my ear, but I can tell he's still asleep. Even though I know that my face still heats in embarrassment and I try to calm the thumping of my heart.

"Rey," Kylo says voice still scratchy from the nap we have just taken.

"Y-yes?" I squeak.

"Are you okay? You're shaking like a leaf."

"I'm fine." My voice gives me away though. It holds no strength to it and Kylo notices.

"I can go." He moves to leave, but I grasp onto the hand that is on my stomach.

"Don't go…please."

"Your skin is on fire, are you sure you're okay Rey?"

I squeeze my eyes shut at the heat that is devouring me. It's only because I'm in this position with him right now and all I want is for him to touch me.

"Kylo, t-touch me."

He goes rigid behind me, "What do you mean?"

"Please, just touch me," I say again going almost delirious due to this feeling.

He hesitates before I feel him brushing the hair away from my neck. The couch is big enough to accommodate us both and he's easily able to move me the way he wants due to how much space we have. His lips descend on the sensitive spot right under my ear; he presses soft kisses there as his hand moves slowly trailing up to cup my clothed breast. I moan low and feel his answering growl against my skin.

He bites down hard on the spot between my neck and shoulder causing me to shudder violently. He licks the sting away, brushing openmouthed kisses along my neck and shoulder.

"Tell me what you want Rey," he huskily says by my ear. His breath is hot and he's panting slightly.

He grinds himself into my ass, moving his hand from my breast to cling onto my hip guiding his steady movements. He rocks himself into me a couple times before stilling himself.

"Touch me," I say for the hundredth time growing frustrated.

"Tell me where you want me to touch you," he demands, it makes me even more turned on than before.

"You know where I want you to touch me," I hiss and he chuckles darkly.

"Alright, darling I'll give you what you want." He bites down on the shell of my ear and I buck into his touch.

His hand trails up the length of my thigh, moving underneath my dress in a slow, teasing caress. I'm breathing so hard and his chest rises and falls fast behind me. He traces along my inner thigh and presses his two fingers where I want him most after what seems like forever. It’s an instant relief and I sigh loudly.

"Fuck Rey, you're so wet."

I can only moan in response.

He slid his fingers back and forth in a way that was so tantalizing it made me want to cry.

"Is this what you wanted?"

"Yes!"

He trailed his hand up playing with the waistband of my panties and I wanted to scream for him to get on with it, but just as soon as I thought that. His hand escaped beneath the flimsy material, brushing over my mound, and swept through my wetness.

He sighs and presses his lips to my shoulder.

My cunt is convulsing desperate for him to give her the attention she has been craving from him for much too long. He trails one long digit along my slit and I almost come undone from just that. He gently began bridging that finger inside my opening and I gasped at how thick it felt. He pressed all the way inside, my walls fluttered around the digit, and he released a breathy growl. He withdrew it only to push it hard back inside and it causes me to shudder, hips bucking on their own accord.

Another finger joins the first and I didn't know it was possible to feel this full.

"Damn it, Rey, you're so tight," he growls and begins to stroke me from the inside out. When he curls his fingers forward it's an electric shock to my system and I let out an embarrassing moan. All my nerve endings are crying out in joy as he continues to make me feel like the world is tipping on its axis. His scent overwhelms me in the best way possible and all I can feel is him.

It's an alarming cacophony that escapes my throat with every push and pull of his fingers. When his thumb brushes over my clit I spiral into ecstasy. I'm biting my lip so hard I'm sure to draw blood if I don't stop. My breathing was growing labored and I knew I was reaching my breaking point.

_So close!_

My thighs were quivering, his fingers began to pick up in speed, hitting so deep inside of me that I didn't know how it was even possible. His thumb continued to move against my clit in deep circles that were make me delirious with pleasure.

"Come for me Rey," he snarled, it was the final straw for me-a blinding light exploded behind my eyes and I cried out his name.

When I came back down to earth, my body felt light as a feather, and I felt sleepy. His fingers pulled out of me gently, but even so, it still made me shiver. Before I fell asleep I heard him mutter ‘perfect', everything went dark after that.

* * *

 

Rose practically leaps into my arms and I catch her in the nick of time.

"Thank you so much, Rey! Seeing my sister seriously put so much into perspective for me!" She exclaims so passionately that I can't help but laugh.

Pulling away I see that she is beaming. Giving her the money to go visit her sister was totally worth it because it put that expression on her face.

"I'm glad you had a good time," I say as we take a seat across from each other at my dining table. A glass of lemonade in each of our hands.

"I'm actually thinking of moving back to California once I'm done with classes."

The thought of her leaving makes me sad, but I know she has to do what she has to.

"I say you do whatever makes you happy."

"Thanks, Rey, you really helped me out. I don't know how I could ever repay you."

I roll my eyes at her comment, "You've repaid me enough by being my friend."

She chuckles, "You're so sweet, Rey. Tell me what you've been up to since I've been gone?"

"Um actually," I start, fiddling with the condensation building on my cup, "I've been seeing Kylo."

Her eyebrows dart so far up on her forehead I'm sure they are going to fly off, she stammers for words, but it just comes out as gibberish until she settles down, "Kylo?? I thought you guys didn't like each other!"

"Well, things have kind of changed like a lot," I mutter and play with a piece of my hair instead.

"Tell me everything!" She demands and I abide by her wish starting at the top until I finish.

Rose stares at me for a good five minutes that makes me restless; finally, I can't take it, "Say something Rose."

"I'm happy for you," she says, a wide smile is on her face. I swear there are tears bubbling up in her eyes as well.

 "Thank you."

Rose and I catch up for hours, going back and forth over ideas of some stuff I want to touch up in my house and she lets me know she can find some ideas at home depot, send me pictures, and I can decide if I like it or not.

She tells me all about her sister Paige and all the fun things they did whilst she was there. Going to beaches, a place called Six Flags, and how they spent a weekend in San Francisco. All in all, I can say with ease that it is amazing to be seeing her face to face once again. I really hope that if she does decide to move to California, that we stay in touch.

A little while later she heads home and I notice that Kylo is riding Calcifer so I mosey on over to stand by the gate, leaning my forearms against it, and watch him being reminded of when I first saw him. He is hands down the most handsome man I've ever laid my eyes on and just thinking of the way he pleasured me brings heat to my face.

He notices me a short time later, a beautiful smile adorns his face, and Calcifer gallops over to me.

"Come here," Kylo says, motioning in a ‘Come Hither' at me.

A shy smile graces my face, opening the gate I cautiously walk over so I don't startle Calcifer.

"Do you trust me?" He asks with a small smirk tugging at his lips.

"Yes." It comes out breathily and I blush harder.

If he notices he doesn't say anything, his hand reaches out, and I stare at it confused. After I gather my composure I take his hand and with so much ease he hoists me up startling me in the process. My butt hits the saddle and I'm sitting sideways, his arm protectively around my waist.

"Throw your leg over," he murmurs and I obey him so that now I'm sitting in front of him. He grasps onto the reins with one hand, the other splays out on my belly protectively, and he steers his steed towards the gate.

"Where are we going?" I asked glancing over my shoulder at him. It feels like a bunch of bees decided to swarm around in my stomach. I feel so nervous right now, and I can't wrap my head around it.

"A place I like to escape to when I feel like being away from the world." His voice is low and husky; it makes me want to forgo this ride so I can press my lips to his.

 It's becoming quite obvious that I'm not going to be able to stave off my desire for him for much longer. As much as it scares me, I almost can't wait to know what it's like to see Kylo's face twisting in pleasure as he hovers over me, pushing into me over and over again. Groaning in my head I try to banish those thoughts, but they stay planted right in the back of my mind, creeping in, desperate to have their time in the limelight.

It takes some time to get to where Kylo is taking us, but when we get there, the large oak trees surrounding us, and the stream that has a calming sound as it flows makes it a hundred times worth it.

He hops off and helps me off. Calcifer begins to munch on some grass nearby and Kylo wastes no time in stripping his shirt off. My eyes widen and he chuckles.

"I usually get in if the tide isn't strong."

"Is it cold?" I question as he shucks off his shoes and socks. He unbuckles his belt next and unzips them pushing them down to the ground, tossing them in the pile with his shirt.

"It can be, but you get used to it. You don't have to come in if you don't want to." He smiles and it's genuine.

He steps into the water and is unfazed by it. He ducks his head under and looks majestic when he surfaces. Droplets fall from his ebony strands and land on his sculpted chest racing to a place that I can't stop thinking about. Before I know it I'm tearing all of my clothes off and join him. I wade over to him and he pulls me into his arms pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"How was your day beautiful?"

"I saw Rose finally."

"You really missed her huh?" He pushes the wet hair out of my face, tucking some strands behind my ears.

I wrap my arms around his corded neck, admiring his handsome features, "Yes, it really sucked not having her around, but I was happy she was able to see her sister."

"You have such a big heart, Rey."

I scoff, "Hardly."

He tugs at my legs and I get the hint to wrap them around his waist.

"You are so sweet Rey and you do have a big heart, don't sell yourself short." He presses a kiss to my nose and I actually giggled like a little schoolgirl.

"Kylo," I say gathering my courage, leaning in by his ear, his breath hitches, "I want you to fuck me."

His hands grip tight to where they rest on my hips. His eyes are wild when they dart over my face trying to see if it's just a cruel joke.

"Rey, I already told you I'd wait."

"I'm ready."

…

Kylo

It’s hard to process what Rey is telling me right now. I’m most likely staring at her likes she has grown another head, but her saying this to me is coming out of left field. As I continue to stare I feel her grow restless which inevitably causes her to move against my cock given the position we’re currently in. It stirs to life and it’s easy to tell when she notices because she goes rigid in my arms searching my eyes.

Electricity seems to crackle between us, both our breathing has started to quicken, and our lips draw closer to her. Desire is evident in her eyes and mine match. Looking at her from hooded eyes I know that whatever is about to happen is going to change everything between us. I can only hope it’s for the best.

Leaning forward I snag her lips with my own, moving away only to lick along her bottom lip, and she whimpers when I tug it between my teeth. Her supple fingers grasp onto the tiny hairs at the nape of my neck and tugs as her tongue slips into my mouth. I moaned into her mouth, seizing a fistful of her hair to keep her tethered to me. Her tongue moves passionately against my own and my body courses with adrenaline at how badly I want her.

Being with Rey is one of the most natural things I’ve ever experienced. It’s like we were put on this earth for one another, her body fits against mine perfectly, and all I can think of is how fucking lucky I am to have a woman like her wanting to be with a guy like me.

Her tongue is hot against mine; so much need is being portrayed just from our fervent kiss. She makes a noise into my mouth and it makes me dizzy with lust. Her breasts press against my chest, my fist tightens in her hair. I’m not sure if I should take advantage of our moment right here, take her right there on the grass by a river, but Calcifer darts into my head. The last thing I want is for him to see that display. I’d rather not scar my poor horse.

That thought causes me to gently pull her away from me. She’s confused, pretty brows knitting together as she tries to rejoin our connection, but I shake my head.

“As much as I’d like to do this right here, I think it’d be best if we do this where my horse can’t see us.”

She flushes and nods in agreement.

I press my forehead against hers, breathing in her subtle scent that calms me. My hand grazes over her neck and along her collarbone. She arches into the touch and before I do go against what I just said I help her out of the water. We end up lying on the grass talking for a while, once we finally dry off, our clothes are put back on and we begin the trek back home.

My heart stutters when I think about how much I love having her around and then it hits me like a brick to the head.

I’m in love with her.

I’m in love with Rey…

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO  
> [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	8. Lust Leads To Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Rey know that there is no way they can stay away from each other any longer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PURE SMUTTTT lol  
> Thank you to everyone who takes the time out of their busy days to read my stories. It means the world to me :)  
> Much love <3

Kylo

We arrive back home and after helping her off of Calcifer I place him back in his pen ensuring that the gate is locked before I meet back up with Rey. She looks like a bundle of nerves right now, rocking back on her heels, and fiddling with her thumbs. It's adorable, but I need her to know that I'm only going to do what she wants when she wants. There's no need to rush her into anything. Hopefully, she understands that.

Standing before I gently stroke her jaw with my thumb leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead, "Rey I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do, okay?"

She looks up at me worry shone avidly in her hazel orbs, "I want to be with you Kylo."

"You're already with me," I tease, my hand moves to the back of her neck, clasping it before pulling her closer to me.

She rolls her eyes at me, a shy smile on her beautiful face, "I mean I want to have sex with you."

My heart begins to pound, "Are you sure?"

"I've never been surer."

I nod. Taking her hand in mine I lead her to my house. Unlocking the door she follows me inside and I shut it with a soft click. We move into my room, her hand trembles in mine. I turn her to face me, her lip quivers slightly, and my eyes soften at the sight.

"Rey, you're beautiful, so damn beautiful," I thread my fingers into the back of her hair gently tugging her head back to run my nose along the column of her neck. She lets out a shaky breath when my lips press teasingly against her pulse point. My mouth traces along her jaw, nipping the strong bone before I stare into her eyes once again. She searches my own for answers of what is going to happen next. She's so unsure, so scared, but I'm going to make her feel so good that when it comes down to it she'll be begging for more.

I run my thumb along her bottom lip, she inhales sharply when it slips between the seam of them, and her mouth parts for me.

"That's a good girl," I murmur. I bend down; folding at the middle to connect our lips, she sighs against my own, and I can't help but smile before I open my own mouth touching my tongue to hers. She's more hesitant this time around tentatively touching mine with hers for only a moment, but I'm not letting her get away that easily. I sweep my tongue further into her mouth and she finally relents twining hers with my own.

I cup her chin forcing her mouth to open more for me. That earns me a whimper that goes straight to my cock. Her hands reach up to run along my shoulders down my biceps and move to my stomach fisting the damp material in her tiny hands. Our tongues slide against one another in a slow dance, but I really want to taste her so I pull away moving her towards the bed. The back of her knees hit the bed and she startles.

I chuckle, "Sorry babe, but I really want to eat you out okay?"

Her eyes widen as she scurries back on the bed chest rising and falling fast.

"Someone's eager." I grinned at the scowl she shot me but wiped it off her face when I reached back to fist the collar of my shirt and dragged it over my head showcasing all the muscle to her hungry eyes. She licked her lip as I did so.

"Take off your shirt and bra," I command placing one knee on the bed and then the another as I crawl over her body to undo the button of her jeans. She sits up and does as I ask while I pull down her panties and jeans in one swift go. Once she's naked before me I can't help but stare at how fucking gorgeous she is.

Flawless golden skin, her brown hair flowing around her like she's underwater, breasts that will fit perfectly in the palm of my hand and are scattered with a bunch of freckles. Her dusky nipples are hard begging to be touch. The smooth expanse of her stomach is clenching and unclenching as she watches my perusal of her body. The space between her thighs has a small patch of dark curls and as much as I want to get right to it I decide to take it slow.

I slant my mouth over hers palming one of her breasts, her body shudders as I do so. Pink tongue slipping into my mouth to war with my own. I knead the tender skin beneath my palm, rolling her nipple under my thumb. She moves her lips in time with my own and though it started off rather innocently-the kiss has now turned heated. We are almost desperate to get closer to one another, my body slips between her thighs pressing my clothed cock against her bare cunt. Her breath hitches and she reaches to fist my hair in both her hands tugging me even closer to her as she bucks her hips up to grind into my bulge.

I pull away reluctantly, she whines only for a moment until my lips wrapped around her neglected nipple then she's releasing little mewls of pleasure that make me grind even more into her. I alternate between licking, sucking, and biting that all seem to drive her more and more crazy. She's thrashing beneath me and I'm forced to pin her hips to the bed to stop her movements.

"Please Kylo," she whimpers delirious. It's like being with a virgin, her skin is on fire, and I know she has that sensation all over her body that is making her feel like she's burning up from the inside out. That fucking bastard never even did this kind of stuff to her. If I could I'd ram my fist over and over into his face then feed him to the dogs.

The sounds she is making are so amazing that I can't believe that any guy would rather harm her and fuck into her only to satisfy their own needs. All I want is for her to scream my name into oblivion. I'm hers and she's mine.

I gently remove her fingers from my hair planting a kiss on her lips before I begin my descent down to where I know she's aching. Pressing my lips to her neck, collarbone, sternum, down to her stomach where I lick around her navel and earn a loud moan. I dip my head lower pressing teasing kisses along her mound and her legs part on their own accord for me. I decide I want to be on my knees for her so I lift off the bed to stand. She looks at me curiously, but when I grasp onto her hips tugging her to the edge of the bed understanding dawns in them.

I fall to my knees before her enjoying the way her thighs quiver, "Throw your legs over my shoulders babe."

She obeys timidly placing them over me. I grasp onto the tight globes of her ass, she squeaks a little, and it's the most adorable sound.

Getting my head back in the game I stare at her gorgeous cunt and I know it's making her uneasy. I can't help myself though; her folds are glistening, so pink and inviting. Moving forward I press a kiss to her inner thigh and give her what she wants finally. The tip of my tongue runs along her slit ever-so-slowly. She gasps at the sensation and it makes me wonder if any guy had actually done this to her before. The thought angers me. Selfish-fucking-bastards. Fuck it. I'm going to eat her out like my life depends on it after I'm done teasing her for a bit that is.

I repeat the motion; my tongue starts at the beginning of her slit and drags all the way up to where the tip of my tongue lightly flicks against her clit. Her hands are fisting the sheets now, thighs still trembling as I do this over and over again reveling in the way her cunt gushes even more.

Once I get my fill of putting her on edge, I use my thumbs to hook onto her labia tugging them apart to reveal the pink flesh inside to my desperate eyes. I don't hesitate to lick between her folds lapping up her taste like a fine dessert. She tastes like fucking strawberries and a hint of lemon it suffices to make me groan against her. The vibration makes her release a loud moan and she reaches down to grasp onto my hair.

The pressure on my scalp only spurs me on. I continue to drag my tongue through her folds and before I can think twice I thrust my tongue inside her opening.

"Oh my gosh! Kylo!"

I don't stop. My tongue continues to thrust inside of her as if it were my cock. Her taste is overwhelming and I want more of it. I alternate from lapping up her arousal to thrusting my tongue over and over again into her wet channel. When her hips begin to move I can feel that she's getting closer to release. Her walls are fluttering around my tongue as she sucks air into her lungs greedily.

I want her to come _so bad._

 My tongue leaves her tight warmth latching onto her clit sucking on it so hard she screams my name again. My index and middle finger replace where my tongue was, sinking inside her tight cavern. Her fingers clutch my curls even tighter as she gyrates her hips against my face saying my name like it's a fucking mantra.

 My fingers pump into her at a speed that even surprises me. My tongue circles her clit as my fingers stroke her velvety walls that I know are going to feel so good wrapped around my cock. When I curl my fingers forward she whimpers and I massage that sweet spot that is sure to make her see the comets aligning right in front of her eyes.

Suddenly she's bellowing my name so loud that I think a demon just was exorcized out of her. Her fingers have my hair in a death grip and her walls clamp down around my fingers so hard that it's almost too much for my fingers to take. I suck on her clit as tremors wrack her body until finally she relaxes and I'm able to pull my fingers out. I stand to my feet licking her off of them and marvel at the way she stares at me in awe.

"Did that feel good?" I ask already knowing the answer to the question.

"You already know it did," she replies wryly.

I wipe my mouth and chin off, she watches the movement. I smile at her, "Did you want to take a shower or something?"

Her brows furrow in confusion, "Kylo, I want you to put your cock in me."

I shove my fingers through my hair trying to steady my racing heart at hearing those words. My cock is eagerly pressing against the zipper of my jeans.

"Rey, I don't want you to regret this. We don't have to do that just yet."

I hate to admit, but I'm suddenly super nervous. Of course, I want to be inside of her, but I'm scared I won't be able to control myself once I'm buried in her tight warmth. I want Rey to feel good and her being a victim of rape is racing through my thoughts. I've been rough with women in the past. I loved to flip them on their stomachs, yank their hips up, and push their face into the sheets. I had a thing for biting and tugging on their hair so their lips could meet mine as I fucked the living hell out of them.

Rey must sense my hesitation because she moves off the bed to stand before me. Her fingers undo my belt swiftly, tugging it out of the loops she places it in my hands and I grow confused.

"Tie me up Kylo and do what you want with me." Her voice is hoarse and I gulp back the moan that almost escaped me at her filthy words.

"Rey, please I don't want to hurt you."

"I trust you Kylo."

She then reached for the wooden headboard wrapping her hands around it waiting to see what I would do next. I dropped the belt. I was not using that leather shit to wrap her wrists. If this is what she wanted I would give it to her.

 I snag a silk tie out of my dresser and straddle her waist but do not put any of my weight on her. Wrapping the material around her wrists I tie them to the frame and step of the bed once again to rid myself of my clothes grabbing a condom out of the dresser. I rip the foil open with my teeth, watching her face intently as I do so, and roll the latex over my cock. Moving back onto the bed I grab underneath knees pushing them to her chest to situate myself between her thighs.

"Keep your thigh right there," I command reaching down with one hand to run my fingers through her folds and find her soaking, "Fucking god damn Rey, this is really what you want? To be tied up? Tell me how you want it, Rey?"

She's a whimpering mess as she bites her lower lip tugging at the restraints, "Hard and fast. I want it hard and fast," she moans.

"Damn it, Rey," I grunt in response, gripping my shaft to line it up with her entrance. Pushing just the tip in I feel her tight hole stretching to accommodate my length and width. I shallowly thrust only giving her the head of my cock and lean over to suck on one tight bud, circling it over and over again causing her to try to hunker down on me.

"Stay still," I demand, "When I want to give you my cock I will."

"Please, I need you Kylo!"

"I know baby but I'm still not giving it to you just yet."

She looks like she is about to cry, her brows furrowed and her teeth worrying her bottom lip into her mouth to the point she's going to draw blood. I grip the underside of her thighs once again sitting up straight I drive more of my cock into her and am rewarded with a beautiful moan. Her walls flutter around me and I can't help but throw my head back trying to get my breathing under control. It's of no use though, my harsh breaths only hasten, and before I know it I bottom out inside her. Her back arches and she cries out. She's so damn tight. Wet. Warm.

I'm panting so hard, sweat trickles down my spine as I look upon the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid my eyes on and here I am actually inside of her. I set a slow rhythm that is shallow to allow her to get used to the size of my cock.

"You feel amazing," she croons staring at me like I'm a god or some shit.

"Your cunt is so tight baby," I murmur beginning to pick up my pace. Her eyes begin to close, "Eyes on me sweetheart," I quip and her eyes snap back open.

I hike one of her legs over the crook of my shoulder, the other one remains close to her chest. I begin to drive into her so hard that her body shifts up on the bed every time I thrust forward. My hand splayed out on her belly helping to guide my movements.

"Harder!"

"You want it fucking harder?" I growled slowing the roll of my hips, holding tight to the flesh of her upper thigh.

"Please Kylo! I need more!" She was thrashing her head side to side; pulling so hard at her restraints I was sure she was going to break the headboard.

"Fine, I'll give you what you fucking want, baby," I snarled and began to pound into her with all my might. Her mouth parted in ecstasy. Abandoning her thigh I forced her to wrap her legs around my waist and slammed my hands beside her shoulders. The position allowed me to fuck into her hard and deep that I was sure I was hitting her cervix over and over again with the way she was crying out.

This woman was way too good for me; she was all I wanted, and all I would ever need to be satisfied in this life. I would never allow anyone to hurt her ever again. I would give my life for hers. I will treasure her for as long as she allows me to do so. This is the woman I want to marry someday. The woman who I want to have a child with when we are both ready. This woman was the light in the dark. She saved me from living a lonely life and the only way I can repay her is by being her rock. Supporting her whenever she needs me. Rey was my heart and without her, I would vanish into emptiness.

I sit up abruptly she jolts as I tug the material off of her wrists. My forehead pressed into hers, sweat drips onto her chest, but she doesn't seem to mind. Our lips are centimeters from each other. It's like we are breathing life into one another. Her eyes show that she's worried probably because I'm staring at her like a man that is in love with her.

My thrusts falter, my heart is pounding erratically, and her hand cups my jaw, "Kylo, what's wrong?"

I try to distract her by pulling all the way out to the tip and slam back into her. She gasps, but only cups my jaw tighter, "Kylo," she warns.

I dig my forehead into hers, "I fucking love you."

Her breath hitches, "K-Kylo."

"I'm sorry," I whisper not wanting to hear her rejection so I ground my hips into her. Her walls clenched hard as I repeated the motion, the coarse hair around my cock rubbing against her clit just right that I knew she was going to come again any moment. When her walls clamped around my cock I let out a low groan pressing my forehead against her heaving chest.

"Kylo, look at me," she panted.

I warily lifted my head to look at her, "Hey beautiful."

"Tell me again."

"Tell you what?"

"You know what."

I searched her eyes for a moment gathering my confidence, "I love you."

"I love you too Kylo. Now take off that fucking condom and fill me up with your come."

I blanched at the words but pulled out ripping the prophylactic off, plunging back inside her releasing a loud moan as I tilted my hips to drive deep inside her. Her legs wrapped tighter around my waist like an anaconda and my thick length continues to bury itself inside of her wet warmth. Our lips crashed together, tongues slipping in and out of one another's mouth as I grew closer to release. She urged me on, thrusting up to meet my own that were beginning to turn frantic. Sparks burst behind my eyes and I came so hard that I thought I was going to pass out. She swallowed my moans down eagerly and continued to move her hips.

"Ah, fucking christ," I growled against her swollen lips.

I pulled out slowly, my come leaked out of her and it was a fucking amazing sight to see.

She surged forward wrapping her arms around my neck, "Thank you."

I wrapped my arms around her letting out a laugh, "Thank you for what?"

"For making me feel good. I really do love you. You taught me that there was a reason to live."

This fucking perfect woman.

"You are everything to mean Rey. I will love you for the rest of my life if you'll allow it. Which I really-"

She silences me with her lips and we end up kissing like we hadn't just fucked each other's brains out.

My perfect girl.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO <3


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